Life Without Montages

Don’t just go with the first thought you have on a situation or person. Thoughts are captivating and try to disguise themselves as truth.

It takes practice and discipline to take a breath, take a pause and ask ourselves: What evidence do I have for this thought? And if this thought is indeed true, is it helpful for me to lean into it?

Thoughts can be true and unhelpful.

We can choose to turn our hearts and minds toward true and helpful thoughts.

Keep growing!

Terra Rose

People say they will do things when they feel up to it.

This is not how I have found life to be.

All the most meaningful things, with help from God, family/friends, are things that we never feel up for at any point. Thinking back on Grad school, I wouldn’t want to go back and drive in traffic to Minneapolis. I still would not feel like driving an hour to my job after class, trying to teach kids skills and having them try to jump out of my car, and drive again all the way home. The days were hard, the work was hard.

Basically, I trick myself into doing things by not thinking about them.

Sometimes, I get into my car and start driving to work. And I’ll start to cry. It’s a weird choking sound and surprises me.

Another nice thing about getting older is I don’t stay as sad for as long, because I don’t put too much worry into it. I lean all the way in and sob theatrically. When you really go for it, sob-crying can only last 5 or so minutes. Think of yourself like a friend that drank too much, just hold back her hair and say, “That’s it. Get it all out.”

Then, you’re fine again.

There are these beautiful, joyous moments that occur nearly every day! The sun was rising in my rearview mirror today. I took a pause and let it move from my eyes to my heart. I remember this high school friend’s dad asking if I was using drugs, because he saw me riding in a car with my arm out the window. My friend told me later, “My dad thinks you’re a stoner.” and went on to describe the scene of me with my eyes closed just feeling the wind from the road.

I think the sadness must be harder to bear for people who believe that they have to wait until they feel well to live. Or who feel like they have to be happy all the time. A more realistic view might be that every day has sad and happy parts. Even the day after Al died, I remember eating and thinking, “Damn, this is a good sandwich!”

Well, that’s the end of my break.

Love,

Terra Rose

Whenever I work more hours, I feel weird on Saturday morning. It’s as though I was on a ship and I got used to the constant swaying back and forth. Every day is a push. Alarm. Coffee. Clothes in dryer to get out wrinkles. Start car, etc.

I had two snow days this week. Monday was ice roads. The school nearest me put out a weather alert, letting students know that people who were late would not be penalized/have it marked as a tardy. I called the other school, that is 35 minutes away, to see if they were 2 hours late or closed. But I guess the weather was better there. Then, I stood in my kitchen and thought about choices. The roads are windy on my way to the school and there are spots where my cell phone cuts out. I picture my car on a patch of ice, going into the ditch and walking up to an Amish house for help. They tell me, “You live here now.” My family wonders why I never came back from work.

Sorry, that’s discriminatory against Amish. I’ve been a bit leary of them since I watched the Haidmaid’s Tale series. Not right, brain! But you get the idea. There is a bit of catatrophizing that goes on in my mind.

Despite not working Monday, this felt like a busy week. Yesterday, I woke up to snow day part two. This time, it was waaaaaay more obvious of a problem. School was called off for four of the schools within 30ish miles of here. I closed the office door and started making phone calls. On Mondays, since I work at the school, I can just email the superintendent if I’m going to be out. Fridays are different, because it’s in-clinic I need to call six people and offer them telehealth.

I was super surprised that all 6 wanted to keep their appointments. Therapy is not unlike exercise or school and it would have been understandable if they thought, “Phew, I don’t have to do that today.”

Six hours of telehealth really reminded me of the start of the pandemic and shutdowns, because I was doing telehealth every day then. There are pros and cons of virtual therapy verses in-person. For people with more severe PTSD or anxiety, telehealth is a great option as they can still be comfortable at their homes. This is also true for anyone with a physical disability or mobility issues.

January through April, this year, I signed myself up for EMT-Basic program. Self-care means different things for each of us, and I really enjoy learning new things and being able to actually be prepared for emergency situations. The classes are Mondays and Wednesdays. Mondays are virtual and Wednesdays are in-person about 1 hour from my home.

Well, this is all a bit disjointed today 🙂

There was some talk, last weekend, about our family putting together a Christmas Card. Cutting it down to the wire this year. Also, all the kids have had coughs the past three days.

A person kept talking about finding their own truth, one of the hours this week. I find this confusing. We can all have different opinions, but I’m fairly certain that we are living is the same objective reality. I’m not sure one can have their own truth. The person seemed annoyed that I wasn’t getting it, and told me that I seemed tired. I said, “It’s probably the lighting in here.” Because when work from home, I look like a shadow monster? The other 5 didn’t seem bothered by me.

Sometimes, people are lonely because they have unrealistic standards. It’s sad to watch. Like they are shaking the bars of a prison with no sides. JUST WALK OUT. I want to scream, but I’ve been there before and maybe that is what makes me extra sad.

I guess I just want to try being there at the start of an emergency. Maybe I could be kind and capable in the right moment, so people could mentally heal quicker?

For 8 years I’ve been standing in the aftermath of emergencies/trauma. I think a new viewpoint might be refreshing.

Thanks for listening!

Love,

Terra Rose

I’ve been trying to make my workplace more like a restaurant. On the white board, I wrote the specials:

Ways I can Help

Sometimes, people come to therapy after watching a movie that featured a therapist and/or they just have ideas in their imaginations that are not accurate. Over the past year, I’ve had one person yell, “You are supposed to fix this!” and two people who refused to leave when the hour was up. Only about 2 out of 20 people are challenging to work with (most people are sweet and just trying to sort some things out). Still, I have found solace in being able to point to the white board and say, “These are the ways I can help.”

A therapy hour is 53 minutes. That might not seem like a big deal, but when its your only time to use the bathroom…it matters. After a few years, you can write the note during that time, say a prayer (well, you can do that the whole time), take 3 minutes of deep breathing (blow out the candle, smell the flower), and touch your toes/stretch.

There are people who think that therapy is a friendship….it’s not. Friendships are reciprocal–meaning that if friendship were compared to a tennis match…the ball is going back and forth. I didn’t always get that. When I was young, I was a world class monologuer. One of the kids recently told me that their school counselor teaches the kids friendship skills. That is great news!!!

Therapy is also not like a massage or something else that is completely for your comfort. Therapy for mental health is more similar to Physical Therapy. Its going to be work in the short-term and the result is less pain in the long-term. Its letting go of the false idea that we know everything and welcoming in a reality that all of us have lessons to new and skills to gain or strengthen.

Happy Saturday!

Love,

Terra Rose

No work today, as the school I work at on Mondays is having an In-service for teachers. I forgot to put all those on my work calendar.

It’s a weird day without work. Makes me think of those old movies where a dude loses his job and puts on a suit and goes to the bar for a few weeks before he comes to terms with the loss. My routines really grant me a sense of equilibrium. I think this, at least, helps me to have empathy for kids who don’t look forward to Christmas break or Summer. I remember this one kids saying, “I would come here [school] everyday if I could. I’d sleep here. I love it here!”

When the plan changes, I don’t love it.

I still like summer and days off. But, you know, on days I actually plan on it.

So, I drive to a coffee shop and sort through chores on my computer. There’s always some task that got shelved for a later time. Today, I find one more document to upload so I can take EMT classes this coming spring or summer. My reasons for applying to the program are wearing a cool uniform (yep!), learning what to do in an emergency (I just want to know/have some kind of….plan. Like how larger building do fire drills, or when I was working with adults with developmental disabilities…we would practice spotting a seizure, knowing where the medication was, and walking through the steps of when to call and how to administer the medication), and I think its just good to keep my brain active. I know its not possible to know everything about mental health, but after 8 years as a therapist and 22 years in the field of psychology/human service work…I just want to gain some different skills.

Time just flies when you’re busy at work. When I was a waitress, I loved cleaning coffee pots with ice and salt. I wish I would feel the same way about folding mine and my families clothes or organizing my house.

I know I have more things to say, but that’s all I can externalize for now.

Wishing you moments of joy today!

Terra

Working at the high school on Friday, the speaker came on REAL loud playing the graduation procession song. I thought about things I’ve learned in the past 23 years and here they are:

1. There isn’t anyone that you’ll meet who is worth more than you.
2. There isn’t anyone that you’ll meet who is worth less than you.
3. Kids get head lice. It’s fine. Drive to Walgreens and tackle it.
4. You can eat dandelions, dandelion greens, and ground ivy (also known as creeping charlie).
5. Don’t say creeping charlie anymore. I’m pretty sure its an unkind reference.
6. Terrible things happen everyday. Keep trying to help others.
7. It’s okay to have friendships with people who don’t think exactly the same as you. When you know your values, you will not feel threatened by different ideas. Just keep your boundaries.
8. Understand what “boundaries” are. Run a search for “setting boundaries” and/or “healthy boundaries” and keep reading until you feel peaceful.
9. You will grow to look worse, but inside you will feel exponetially more beautiful.
10. You will stop letting disapproving looks decide what you wear and how much you shave.
11. Life will get sweeter even as your body aches.
12. Make time for your neighbors. Cut up apples, cheese, crackers, carrots and share your smiles and laughter.
13. Don’t drink too much alcohol. The barfs and the headaches…ooofff…take it easy and keep it to one or two drinks.
14. Believe in more than just yourself. There’s more, so much more!
15. Have a cat or a dog. They are so f*&king hilarious 🙂
16. Feel your emotions, but don’t drown in them.
17. Listen to the wind in the trees.
18. Control only yourself. If your not sure what this means: run a search for “Power and Control Wheel”
19. Fight for and together with people who are more vulnerable that yourself (children, older adults, people with cognitive disabilities…look and you’ll see what you should do).
20. Keep learning.
21. Always say to yourself, “Well, I don’t know everything.”
22. Tell the people you love that you love them.
23. Drink lots of water.

With Love,

Terra Rose

When something big happens in a family, the stability of life is shaken.

Even though we forget, things are never as stable or certain as they appear. It’s just that routines and consistent days help us to feel safe.

I wish I were less affected by other people’s uncertainty. Sitting with parents who are considering their options makes me to feel sad, worried, confused. Their lives aren’t mine and I don’t get to make choices about what other people do. Deep inside, I have this feeling that life could be easier. That enough natural disasters are occurring to make up enough sorrow and drama then anything we can ever dream up.

Maybe it feels safer? Self created drama comes with a sense of control. Tornados and floods don’t prompt us to churn and consider. Will this tornado complete his school work? How will I, as a parent, convince the tornado to do what I want?!!! When the flood water gets close, I will just stand here and say, “No! You can’t ruin my home. I won’t let you destroy everything I’ve built and love here.”

With each other though, we think we do have control. This is the most false of beliefs. One person cannot control another. And I try hard to see that, day in and day out. But….and there’s always a “but”….I don’t understand what to do about crimes. I thought we had laws for the reason of protecting the rights of human beings young and old. Then, I go down a spiral until I remember that I have buffalo sauce in the frig. And even though I shouldn’t eat my feelings, I at least steer myself toward the cabbage with buffalo hot wing sauce and blue cheese. This tastes like wings! And the way coffee tastes following hot sauce is also fun 🙂

One kid says to me, “Terra, I have to take pills now and I don’t want to.” And I feel so sad. Being distracted and having lots of thoughts and energy shouldn’t be a crime. I want to get in my car and drive that hour, out to that school and say, “Have you tried running with the kid? Here’s a jump rope!”

Sometimes, I feel like I’m on trial. Like I imagine being asked, “Why did you do this?” and “Why didn’t you do that?” and “Couldn’t you have done more?”

It seems like people who have less or no guilt prey on people who try to use guilt to guide our decisions. Here is a resource that has helped me to understand a bit more about people who try to control others: https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/

I put a dry erase board up in my office so I can write quotes and stuff on it. Last week I wrote,

“Build skills not Shame.”

Love,

Terra

Once, a child was asked to write something to say at the sentencing of those who abused him.

I was to help with this and we sat, in silence, while he thought about what to tell me to write down. While it was quiet, I could see the photographs from the police officer’s report flashing through my mind. I wondered what I would say if that had been me. I wondered how I would feel if someone hurt me like that.

After what felt like forever, he said, “God can judge them. It’s not my problem to.”

Throughout my life, I’ve been taught not to judge others. But the truth is I always thought of myself as doing some kind of good deed when I attempted (and failed) to not judge others. Look at me, I’d think, being a good person! Look at that asshole and I’m not even judging him. Wow! Am I ever good!

I never thought about what a burden it is to judge people. Like needlessly carrying around a big sack of dirt on my shoulders. To what end? For what purpose?

That child was right. It wasn’t his problem. There are people who train in the fields of law and judgement, and only they know if they are doing their jobs in the light. It’s not my problem to judge them or anyone else.

The way that feels to finally know that? Amazing, like I can breathe the freshest of air.

Love,

Terra Rose

“Under the fence, catch the sheep, back we go, and off we leap!” It’s a way to remember the steps in knitting. My daughters and I went to a class for beginners last week. This was more fun than I expected 🙂 Things that involve multiple steps are not easy for me in general.

For the better part of an hour, I was just staring at my hands and the instructor’s hands. I was thinking, “I’m hearing words, but this is not making sense.”

Always good to get a reminder of how it feels when learning something new. After 7 years of doing my job, I have things that to me seem pretty basic. But looking at the knitting instructor, wearing a beautiful sweater that she made herself, I could see how skills build and its hard to realize how far we’ve come. She did a great job staying calm while I fumbled the steps and my girls picked knitting up within minutes.

It’s cold today. One degree. The kids were outside playing with their friends for as long as they could. Impressive. I haven’t even changed out of my, “I will start working when my coffee does” Pajamas. I read Fiona a couple of Berenstain Bear books when we first woke up. Fiona can read most of it, but she still pretends that she can’t to get me to do it. I can get that. Sometimes, I lay on the floor of the kid’s room when Randy reads a longer book to them. Its nice to hear someone reading out-loud.

I write a short email to a trainer who taught an online course about screening for domestic violence. I ask for referrals for parenting/custody evaluators in our area. This is a job that parents ask me to do, but I checked into it with the AAMFT (American Associate for Marriage and Family Therapy) and this is definitely not part of my job. I feel bad, because if I can’t help someone I like to be able to refer them to someone who can help. I put these categories onto my computer and in a filing cabinet at work of resources and supports. Sometimes, I remember my grandma who worked in a library before she had 8 kids.

I wonder if this is how she felt, just compelled to get people the knowledge and skills each of us so desperately need.

I talk to my retired co-worker and friend, earlier this week, and he says that he continues on helping others to the best of his ability. This is the job of us all.

Sometimes, people come to me and say they can’t work anymore. This is also not my role. I refer them to an agency that can evaluate whether or not they can still maintain employment. Its not that I don’t believe they are in real physical and mental pain.

Its that I don’t believe there is anyone alive that doesn’t work.

We all work.

Sometimes, we don’t get paid for it. But work flows through our veins forever. “Work” isn’t even a good enough word to describe the internal desire to build, connect, help, invent, and grow together. People who attempt to stop don’t fair well.

I volunteer at an after school program some of the days. I can bring my kids, so it’s really a win/win. We baked homemade gram crackers yesterday in the home ec room. It was fun to hear the kids laughing and talking and even squabbling at times. The teacher running the baking class tells me I can head out, but I’m not up for leaving her with the mess at the end. I make my kids to stay and help, even though they grumble at first. There is a difference between right and wrong. My kids have happy faces as they run down the halls on the way out.

For who can resist an empty hallway?

Love,

Terra Rose

You can only bribe your kids to do so many things. It’s limited. Like the amount of garlic that goes in spaghetti sauce or the length of time you can scrape ice off your windshield without gloves on. And so, I save my bribes for activities that I deeply believe will be good for my kids to try.

Today, the kids sang with their 4H Club at the county music festival. You wouldn’t know it to look at the picture of them singing or based on asking them about it, but it was a F*&@ing chore talking them into this activity.

The nice thing about being a parent for 13 years now is that I fully saw this coming. I knew right when I got the email from the club, asking if the kids would want to join in a group song, that my kids would say no straight away. Since the email only gave me a week, I skipped the part where I explain to the kids that they might have fun, that its good to try new things, etc.

I got home from work and said, “I need you to sing with the 4H Club, I willing to strike a deal with each of you.” Oh, how those eyes lit up! Sam just stood on the staircase gazing into his future. Ariel, who always has an internal list of things she wants to buy and do, knew right away that she wanted the next two books in her series. Fiona asked for a game of cards with me and “one day off church.” Which is funny, because we are batting every other week to monthly for church attendance at this time. She did clarify that she would go to her Grandma’s house, on a “church day where you all go, but I don’t have to do.” Sam concluded that he would like $10 in Minecraft money so he could explore some new areas. It didn’t really end there. There was intermittent moaning throughout the week about how I was MAKING them sing. Oh, the tyranny!

To add to my misdeeds, I also made them find shirts with no stains and jeans (to match the group). Don’t I know that jeans are the worst?!!!!

Blurg.

Anyhoo. Skip to today, they had a good time and alls well that ends well 🙂 I’m tired though, and maybe dry January is getting shortened to a two week break of beer/wine.

Happy Saturday!

Love,

Terra Rose