- Whenever someone says, “Hi!” or tries to strike up a conversation with you make sure your face looks like a cat jumping out of a dumpster: frightened and oh-so-guilty.
- Never, ever remember a person’s name. Better yet, forget you’ve met at all and reintroduce yourself each time you meet.
- Ask if the potential friend has kids. When they say that they weren’t able to have kids… continue with what you had planned to say, that its nice to spend a day away from your kids.
- Do not listen. Think about groceries, how you’re going to pay for grad school, or why you have white neck hairs, but avoid letting any new info creep in.
- Talk about yourself constantly. This will also help you to not remember anyone.
- Think about how you look. Really. Because everyone cares about the pimple in your left eyebrow.
- Complain. About your chores, your kids, your spouse, the weather. anything and everything!
- Don’t wear deodorant.
- Make a polarizing political statement-I haven’t tried this one is years, but I’ll bet it still works.
- Believe that you know it all.
PS. I was going to title this, “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People” but it turns out there was a movie called that.
Life Without Montages 
sorry about the “know it all ” thing, I think it’s genetic. Oh Santorum.