Life Without Montages

Twice a year, the town we used to live in had this dinner to raise scholarships for local graduates. A handwritten sign would show up, “$12, Steak Dinner.” It was more than then that though. There was also a baked potato, corn, a small pad of butter (that somehow tasted better than regular butter) and a roll. The plate was like you were at a friend’s house, and the little basement would be just filled with neighbors.

My son was two, with soft red hair, and overalls. We were together with his father and his uncle. He was excited when we walked in, getting served up by smiling people. A high chair was available at a long table, and his father helped him sit and start eating a fluffy roll.

Us three adults were talking over the sounds of laughter and silverware when we heard a cry.

“Help me Daddy!” 

Our little guy had his arms stretched out and both eyes were closed. Falling asleep and falling over at the same time. His father scooped him up and held him.

That is how I imagine dying.

I can’t remember if I’ve shared this: Sam and haircuts?

An example from a few months ago: Me: “Sam, I’m taking you to get a haircut today.”

Sam: “What?!!! Haircuts ruin my day, my year….Haircuts RUIN my whole life!”

Yep. Haircuts ruin his whole life.

The good news is that, since we’ve moved, we have a nice barber. He’s this guy with an eye patch, that has been cutting men’s hair for many years. He cuts my husband’s dad’s hair, and used to cut my husband’s grandfather’s hair, and has cut my husband’s hair.

Anyway. Sam likes talking to him and getting his haircut cut every 6 weeks or so.

One problem solved 🙂

Hugs!

Terra

Mainly, I love eating. There might be many fun things to do in this life, but good food is the tipity top.

I’m in an annoying stage of weight loss right now. It’s that part where you’ve been doing all the right things for a week, and you know that there won’t be anything to show for it for another 3 to 6 weeks. The last time I did this, and there will always be multiple times, it took 12 weeks for me to get to my goal.

At which point, I immediately stopped going to group and tracking my nutrition and exercise. And so, we begin again 🙂

There are times when I think, “Is this really worth it? No one cares what you look like anymore. You barely care.” Appearances aren’t enough to motivate these days. Basic math helps me though. If I gain 10 pounds a decade, I’m going to have reallllllly sore knees before too long.

Since I can’t have eating as my only hobby, we are going canoeing today. I’ve also been running more, writing, and reading. Finding and/or remembering other interests is one good part about the stage I’m in today.

Happy Sunday!

Terra

I used to say most of what popped into my head. This resulted in some hurt feelings and a lot of awkward moments. Lately, I’ve been noticing all the things I don’t say and why. Here is one example:

Someone at a playgroup took socks and shoes off her half-walking, half-crawling baby. This seemed fine to me. It makes sense to help the little get some traction for walking. The part that was confusing was when the woman said, “Hmm. Guess the floor is a little dirty for her feet.” I almost said, “Her hands have been on the floor the whole time while she was crawling.”

I didn’t say it though.

And I have to say, I feel like I really dodged a bullet.

Hugs!

Terra

Quantum Leap was a tv show that I loved when I was a kid. It was about a scientist that worked to invent a time travel machine. He was able to get it to work, but he wasn’t able to come home.

I remember how I wished the show was real.

What if we could go back and change the past? Research shows that the past lives in each of us. If you are interested in healing historical trauma, consider reading “My Grandmother’s Hands” and/or “It Didn’t Start with You”.

Hugs!

Terra

According to Gottman, an easy, helpful thing we all can do for our relationships with our partners, children, co-workers, and neighbors is 5 to 1. A ratio of 5 gratitude or kind statements for every 1 task/request/critique statement.

I’m going to do some research to see if the same is studied about internal dialogues. For every task/request/critique I have about myself, would it be possible for me to identify 5 things about myself that I’ve done well?

When Sam was a baby, and I was a first time Mom, I kept a list of things I would try to do each day. Instead of just checking off items, I would write something encouraging next to each one. It sort of depressed me at first, cheerleading myself to complete tasks. “I should just be able to do these,” I would think. But shoulds are rarely, if every, helpful. Gradually, writing nice things to myself did help and eventually life got easier.

Thanks for reading!

Hugs,

Terra

Dear Family and Friends,

A few weeks before Al died, I started to think that I was going to die. I’m not usually one to worry about my health, but I’d heard from a number of people who had either lost family members to cancer or had cancer themselves. That’s the nature of working as a therapist, there are a number of sorrowful things that can happen and now I hear and know that none of us will live a life without pain.

My mistake was looking into the toilet one day. I remember all these billboards about getting a colonoscopy in order to get the polyps and prevent colon cancer. I started googling colon cancer, and just as I’d suspected there were warnings about pencil sized stool. That was pretty much all I needed to lose my fucking mind.

True, I let weeks go by. But I thought about it everyday. Finally, I decided to look at the number on the back of insurance card and find an in-network provider. I got an appointment and showed up. I was recommended a CT scan. Now, this part is important. If ever you are in one part of hospital, and you walk down the hall to get a CT scan…just know that you might be walking right out of your in-network range. Call the number on the back of the insurance card again, and check if the CT is in-network.

Two days before Al died, I got a CT scan. The results were “large amounts of stool.” So, yes, in a very literal way I was full of shit. I remember talking to Al about this over FaceTime. He was kind as ever.

Aside from my google search, I might have considered how my diet had devolved into eating nothing in the morning, and eating a ton of every kind of cheese every night after work. Sigh.

I’ve been good since I started eating breakfast, drinking water at work, bringing and scheduling a lunch at work, and eating a great deal of cabbage.

Happy Friday! Also, February is over today!!!!

Hugs,

Terra

Dear family and friends,

Here is a song that is in my head this morning.

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done.” –Kenny Rodgers “The Gambler” 

I’m not a gambler in the traditional sense. When I was home on summer break from college, waitressing at a Bar and Grill near my childhood home,  people used to go in together to try and win at pull tabs. They said, “Do you want put in $40?” And I said, “What?! That’s groceries for a month!” People laughed a lot about that, even brought it up to me a few times over the months I worked. They’d say, “How’s the grocery shopping?” I laughed, but I didn’t really get it.

The truth is that I don’t get many things. For a long time, I didn’t get sports. Then, I read about Intersubjective Experience. As I understand it, all activities can be intersubjective experiences if we are focused on the same thing as others around us. We can be watching sports, or playing cards, or preparing food, or talking over coffee. Anything, really! I guess that people like pull tabs, because they are doing something together and there’s a possibility of increased money (so slim though, not good odds).

Taking risks is something akin to gambling that does enter into my life. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t take the same risks anymore. Like two years ago, when I dropped out of a marathon at mile 18. Maybe the combo of nursing a really large “baby” and not getting much sleep led to trouble. I just remember being out there and thinking, “I can make it.” But at what cost?

It was like that yesterday. I wanted to drive out to see a family member who is ill. Then, I passed three lit up road signs. One said, “Travel Not Advisory” and another said, “Blizzard Conditions. Travel Not Advisory” and another over head repeating the “Travel Not Advisory.” I looked around and thought, “Maybe these are from yesterday?” Then, I got a message on my phone that said, “Emergency Road Conditions. I-90 closed. Many Roads Drifted Over.” There were other trucks and cars on the road, and I wondered how they were planning to get through. I thought I could make it, but I had the same feeling as the marathon…that I might pay a cost that would be too high for my family or me. So, I called a loved one and said that I was turning around.

On my way back, I stopped at the Guadalupe Shrine in LaCrosse, WI and put money in for them to light a candle. I sat and prayed, and wondered about how to best love and honor all those who have lived before me and all those who will live after me.

I cried a lot. Mainly, I had nothing else to do for the three hours I was in the car. I think it actually helped kick out the remainder of a bad cold my husband and kids and I had. I will continue to pray for the ones I love today.

“As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.” I hear that one, in my mind, in the voice of my mom’s mom. Because she used to say the Rosary with her friends. She never seems gone to me, even though I was 14 when she died.

Well, time to focus on finding a place to get Sam’s haircut. My son and my husband keep stalling on haircuts. They both “forget” everyday. Lovely. Also, our friends from storytime aren’t able to host a playdate today…so I went ahead and ate the rest of the cookies I made to share with them. Lent will likely include a return to taking care of my body this year.

My love is with you always!

Terra

I feel anxious for most of the day yesterday and again this morning. It comes on like a rainstorm on a sunny day. All I’ve been having is fun the past couple of days. Saturday, my mom was here and we had a brunch with my family and my husband’s parents and brother and little cousins. The kids were loving my mom’s little dog, who made the four hour drive out to visit us as well. Then, I went running with a friend on Monday. And on Tuesday, we had the kid’s friends from library storytime over to our house to play.

It has been very fun! There is nothing I love more than a party. Not the parties of college days, but the parties of family and friends…drinking coffee and eating snacks. Talking and laughing. I look forward to seeing the faces of the people I love. When we were considering moving to my husband’s home town, his description of how he feels about this place is what sold me. The hills and vastness of space. I don’t feel that way about any particular place, but I do feel a deep longing to see the people I love. I cherish the time together.

Many days, I already miss my kids. I know they will only live with us for a time, and then their own lives will begin.

Often now, I feel anxious to go to work. Its fine once I get there.

Hugs!

Terra

I’m watching a Yoga video, while I drink coffee and read on my laptop about how cold it’s going to be today.

In theory, I’ll be doing Yoga later and also running on the treadmill. Its weird not being at work. This means that I can get some things done today, or spend quality time with my kids, or get exercise. The TV is totally calling to me, though. The TV is like, “Psst, did you check Hulu for new episodes of This is Us? How about The Good Doctor?” Then, my brain is like, “Come on TV, I’m not watching you until night.”

My kids are more productive and motivated then I’ll ever be. As I sit here, Sam is in the other room, using Duolingo program to learn Greek. He read the whole series of Percy Jackson books and decided he would like to learn the language of the characters in the story. Sam’s a year ahead in math now. I read this book called, “Punished by Rewards” that talks about how praising kids too much takes way their inner drive to do things. The more Sam succeeds, the more I remind myself not to make a big deal out of it. The idea is to give attention to the qualities that bring about success. Like, “You are working hard!” and “That looks interesting. What are you finding out?” rather than “88% done with the 5th grade?! Wholey Sh*%!!!”

The thing about parenting is that no one gets it completely right. My main hope is that my kids will be better parents than me, and their kids will be better parents than them, and so on “world without end, Amen.”

Also, I think its good that we are all raising our kids in different ways. That is what works for crops and its what works for people as well. One of the things I’ve talked about before is how watching a documentary on the Dustbowl changed my life, so I’ll just give the short version of what I learned: we need each other.

Take some time to listen to someone without judgement. It is possible to see the world through someone else’s eyes, and not lose your own values. There is so much we can learn for each other.

Hugs!

Terra