Life Without Montages

The ramp up to turning 30 has me reading through all my old journals. Thoughts, hopes, dreams from the past 17 years.  Perceptions, many inaccurate, of a child becoming a woman. Stories of someone who loved and lost and loved some more. In addition to the journals, I saved a few papers I wrote in college. I re-read one about addictions.

Summed up in one sentence: “Addictions are trying to fill from without that which can only be filled from within.” (I didn’t think of that on my own. It’s a quote from a book I read on the topic.)Addictions have been on my mind lately, because I’ve been volunteering at a jail once a week for a couple months now. I bring in GED information or and templates for creating a resumé, but often I just end up listening. 100% of the people I’ve worked with have one or more addictions.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

While in AmeriCorps I tutored middle school students in basic math and english. A flier up at the library was asking for literacy volunteers. I might not be a fantastic writer, but I am literate.

As I read through my past, I find that the situations, circumstances, and people change. But many of the feelings do not.

The feeling that I am not doing enough comes in waves. This tide of NOT ENOUGH,  NOT ENOUGH, NOT ENOUGH beats against me. And I just try to keep my head up.

I realize that knowing me, being my friend, loving me, is sometimes a stressful experience for others.

Each day, I try to be more balanced. In the past few years, I’ve acknowledged that my happiness is my responsibility and I deeply regret not realizing this sooner. Often times, I have reached out when I should been reaching in.

Love is limitless. But there are limits to what other people can do for one another.

There is a prayer I remember from when I was a child. “Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love”

I try to love and do good things without any expectations. I’m still a long way from my goal. So, I get up at 5am and listen to Devotchka, “How it Ends.” on repeat until my family wakes up.

The music builds to a point, then falls, then builds again.

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