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It is time to review the past year and look forward. Put a wishlist together of resolutions. It’s okay if you can’t meet all of them! It still brightens your heart to think about the way things could be.

1. Pray daily
2. Eat mostly vegetables and fruits
3. Move/Exercise: Run, Walk, Stretch, Dance party with kids
4. Have compassion for other and self
5. 5 to 1 ratio for saying 5 kind/thankful things to spouse and children for every 1 task or critique
6. Connect with positive reading/learning
7. Smile at neighbors
8. Accept the things you cannot change
9. Be honest about what you can and cannot help out with
10. Keep an open heart

I was thinking about this time, at the job I had two years ago. I remember looking over at a co-worker and saying, “Why do kids who are traumatized want to watch horror movies?”

My co-worker looked up from her computer and said, “Well, I guess it might feel nice to have a scary experience that they have the power to switch off.”

I miss being at a place of work. Working from home has its positives, like yesterday when a winter storm rolled in and I knew I wouldn’t need to worry about driving in it. I still can do to the office when I need some quiet. It’s like being at a closed amusement park. Looking around, I can almost see the waiting area full and smell minty tea. One kid I still work with over telehealth have said how they miss still with their parents and reading Highlights magazine while they waited for appointments. There are also families that would go out to eat on their way to or from an appointment. Many times, I’ve wondered which of those uncounted pieces of the puzzle add up to a child feeling better.

Anyway. Here’s to wondering, here’s to doing our best, here’s to taking time to think about what’s working well in this world and what we’ll keep striving to change!

Hugs!

Terra Rose

The kids are rebuilding their Lego town. They do this a couple times a year. Basically, they have a base with four different colored spaces. On each space, they create a scene. Like a lake, or a space station, or park. The Lego town will stay the same for awhile and then they’ll get in a spirit to freshen things up. It reminds me of how adults move furniture around.

We had a really great weekend. The last day of the Apple Orchard being open was Friday. We went up and got two big boxes of apples, and divided them out into Christmas gift bags. Then, we’ve been waiting to see neighbors out sharing some cheer! We also brought the kids over to play with their cousins outside. And to visit the kitten that recently showed up at the kid’s Grandparents house. The larger orange cat is getting along well with the little one.

Our big cat is still trying to adjust to the little cat we found a couple months ago. I watched them napping by each other. Simon, the big cat, was using all four legs to push the little cat away….in his sleep! Funny Sh*&!

I am working tomorrow through Wednesday, and then I have Thursday off. I’m not allowed to be a total Grinch this year, because Christmas already got stolen. So, I’m just letting the kids do most of their jolly ideas. Can you tape Christmas cards to the windows? Sure, I say, as my mind flashes to where I keep the adhesive remover/cleaner. Can you wrap stuffed animals as presents for the cat? Why not.

Provided that the roads are good, we will get a visit from two loved ones who already had covid. But we will miss our big family get together that we usually have. Hopefully, this will all wrap up sometime soon. I’m never really sure if I’m making the right choices, but this year has been worse than anything for figuring out what I should and shouldn’t be doing.

In other news, I like to run on the treadmill barefoot. Its simply easier that having to go find shoes. You’d think, just keep them near the treadmill…but they always end up under the couch and junk like that. Anyway. What I’m thinking right now, staring at my little cat, is please, please cat…do not put your butt on my treadmill. I’ve voiced this fear to my husband, that the cat could rub her butt onto wear I run in my bare feet and give me worms or something.

He says, “Oh, that’s your line? Not when she licks anything she finds out on the table…sticks her head into our water glasses?”

Hugs!

Terra Rose

It’s a relief to finally get some snow. A breath of fresh to cover all the deadness. I feel well today. I looked into buying this site, so all the ads will be removed. My hesitation comes from putting in my address. It says there’s privacy protection, but what does that mean? Right now, I already have privacy protection by not putting my address or last name on this site. I’d be okay purchasing the site, but why do they need my address? Farts.

Then, I google my name and find my address in about 15 seconds. So, hmm. Privacy is pretty hard to come by. I remember being in the ER one time, due to one of the kids having a high fever. The check-in person asked for my social security number. Huh? I thought the insurance card would be sufficient. I gave it to her, because: emergency. But I spent the next two weeks making phone calls until I got it taken out of the their system. I later learned that they just put in all zeros for Amish people. I will state that they need to put in all zeros next time.

Maybe, I worry too much about a lot of things. And it always seems like the thing I forgot or didn’t know to worry about is the thing that actually happens.

A parent told me recently that they can’t stop yelling at their kid. Meanwhile, they expect their kid to stop yelling and name calling them. I just don’t get it. Like, let’s get mathematical about this: what you are saying is that it is impossible for you to stop yelling, but completely possible for a child to stop? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Now, I didn’t have to type that. But it felt great to do so! Pretty unfair to expect kids to do things we aren’t doing ourselves.

On a positive note, I recovered my ability to have fun with the kids yesterday. The girls wanted to do push-ups, sit-ups and jumping jacks. Then, I gave them horsey rides and Les Possions (from the Little Mermaid). The kids find it fascinating that I remember all the words to that one and the Ursula song. Nice that they think I have special abilities, but the truth is that Tricia watched that movie every morning for an entire summer one year.

Yesterday, my 5 year old and I drove to a local bakery and got doughnuts for everyone. It smelled good in there. I took a slow drive home, because I was nervous about what I would do when I got home. I thought, again, about hobbies. I guess you are looking at it. I like to write. I also like various forms of exercise: running, swimming, yoga. I think I might even do some exercise today. Hobbies? Can they be related to work? I like researching local resources. I’ve been reading on the Disability Wisconsin website to try and discern the rights of persons with cognitive disabilities. I wrote an email to AmeriCorps to see if they are offering online tutoring/mentoring services this year. I’ve been working with my local school to see if it would benefit students to have therapy at school so they don’t miss so much of their day: driving to therapy, therapy hour, driving back to school. Its not like its a one day thing. Therapy usually lasts 3 to 6 months, sometimes a year, of weekly appointments (or every other week can also work). Either way, I can’t imagine how that wouldn’t feel stressful…trying to make sure you didn’t miss any info and/or assignments. When the pandemic ends, I’d like to see my 9 year old getting a chance to learn trumpet. She’s been on to learning trumpet and a keyboard/piano. Its not something I can teach well, and I think she’d like to join band.

Last day of Tricia’s quarantine, she told me she’ll be out at 6pm tonight. Thanks to everyone who has called her!!! It is a blessing to have people who care!

All the best to you and your loved ones,

Terra Rose

…15 miles at 20 miles per hour. How long does it take?

If you answered, “I need a cup of coffee.” We are on the same page!

My son is working on 6th grade math. My 9 year old is finishing up some iPad time, and my youngest is doing a workbook for ages 6-7. It’s a little above her, but she likes to do the crosswords they have in it. It’s funny, we’ve been homeschooling for 4 years. I didn’t realize the loss I would feel when the school closed. Like a trapeze artist who just watched them take away the safety net.

School is a tough one for me. Like all things, there are good parts and bad parts, pros and cons. To recap, when my son was in first grade, I went to his teacher conference where it was told to me, “He’s reading at a 5th grade level!” Cut to the end of the school year where I get this sassy email about how my son does pay attention and “You need to get this cleaned up before next year!” Cleaned up??!!! What a dumb a&%.

Homeschooling is hard and great. Both at different times and sometimes at the same time. Spending time teaching has the natural effect of causing a person to question why this and why that. Your mind just become a million question marks.

That’s when you need to get back to the basics. Life is easier when you can read. I feel like that’s a given. It would be very difficult to get by without reading. Math is also needed. Though I will say that I struggled to give people the right change when worked in jobs where that was part of my work, and somehow I’m still a financially stable adult.

When we think about education, we need to include what best things in life. When we think about education, we have to ask ourselves about the big picture. What kind of life do we want? What kind of life do we want our children to have? What are the skills needed to thrive?

I can’t answer those questions today…but it’s looking like I’m going to be home a lot. Like ALOT. So, I will continued this monologue as soon as possible.

Also, Tricia is back to being quarantined to her room. If you have her cell phone, give her a call on FaceTime. Remember that she never hangs up and this isn’t because she wants to keep talking. She will simply wait for you to hang up. Even if you say, “Bye.” This has always been true, since I was a teenager. She will just breathe into the phone, waiting for you to end the call. On average, she likes to talk for about 8 minutes. Longer than that, and she will watch TV while keeping the phone call going and/or get irritated because it is time to eat…but she will not tell you that its time to eat. My God, I miss Tricia!!!

All my love,

Terra

Yesterday went by better than expected. I ended up cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. It was weird, because it doesn’t look stunningly different. Some things I notice though. Like the floor being freshly mopped, and a pile of clutter removed from the top of the dryer in the room that’s shared with our kitchen. I also played several games of “Guess Who” with my kids.

Our kitchen is like a food truck. Sometimes, while I’m cooking, I pretend that I am in one. There is a little window, above the sink that could easily be the spot where people order and get their meals. If I were to think of one thing I’ve missed the most this year, besides family events, it would be food trucks at festivals. Like when the local brewery had a party in the shared parking lot with the library and bank. That parking lot was transformed into with white tents and long tables, and all the people talking and drinking. I remember we saw my husband’s aunt and uncle. They were sitting up front, at a picnic table, by near the music. We hugged them both and continued toward the beer.

It used to be worth it to run/exercise just to be able to eat some junk I could get at a festival.

On the bright side, my in-laws have a new kitten. She showed up a few weeks ago. We drove over there to visit again today. My kids love animals, and it’s good to get outside in the sun. The weather was pretty good for December…32F. I keep thinking that if it were to simply get colder and colder, without snowing right away, the little pond nearby would freeze into an amazing ice skating rink. We’ll have to wait awhile though…I don’t want to Jack Frost this thing (See “Rise of the Guardians” if that reference makes no sense).

The more I’m home, the more I think and think and think. I start staring at the steam of my coffee and begin trying to make out shapes. I remember when my son was little and he thought the smoke that came after blowing out a candle was made of ghosts. I love my son. I love all my kids. It just that your first child changes you. Like you were someone, but you didn’t know you were incomplete. Then, you have your first baby and its a crash landing where you are falling and grasping for some way to right yourself. My son and I grew up a lot in his first few years.

All the best to you and your loved ones!

Terra

Too much time inside. Seriously. I need to get into some hobbies or something.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has this list…I think it’s called: Schedule of Pleasant Events. Basically, it’s a bunch of ideas for someone who says, “I don’t feel like doing anything.” Or “I don’t know what I like to do.” The idea is to try multiple activities on the list, whether or not you really feel like it. That is how you gain or regain momentum, rather than doing a whole lot of nothing.

Things I feel like doing: watching shows, eating snacks, driving around (literally driving around and looking at the trees, sunset, for animals), reading a series about dragons outloud to my kids at night, talking to my sisters on the phone, drinking coffee, attending live online class about trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy for kids.

The online class is fun. Its nice to hear from other people, doing the same job as me, in different states. The ideas are new to me and that’s encouraging. I don’t like thinking my own thoughts over and over without any new information coming in…some people appear to really enjoy this…it’s puzzling.

My kids want me to listen to them more. So does my husband. I’m tired of listening though. Might be a job hazard I had not considered when I went back to school for this. Or it could be that I wasn’t ever really cut out for listening? At least, I know how to listen now. I wish we could do more activities together: cards, a board game, walking, drawing trees and other wild things we see.

Sometimes, I like to cook. I like chopping up veggies, adding oil to a pan, and making sure there’s onion. If I am feeling sad, it can help to eat part of the raw onion while I’m standing there.

I’ve probably said this before, but I read that there are people who seek sensory experiences (rollercoasters, bright lights, hard workouts, loud music) and people to avoid sensory experiences (everything seems too bright, to loud, to intense…and these people like quieter, softer settings). The theory is that people experience their 5 senses differently than each other.

I miss all the activity of working in a setting with other people. I miss the day program and the bar/restaurant. I feel sad that we are having a global emergency and I’m not somewhere in the middle of it. I know that’s dumb to feel/say.

It’s weird. My “office” is an end table with a laptop a bookshelf and a chair. I sit for hours staring directly, DIRECTLY, at my treadmill. What on earth is stopping me from running? I look back at a text chain of my Mom and sisters and friend and count the days since I last ran: 12. That’s why I feel like shit. Also, the kids have been sick. Not covid…one of them took a test. Vomiting and diarrhea. I’m not sure how many days that’s been going on. I think since Sunday?

I feel like crying every second. But then I think about the kids getting sick, and I spiral down to thinking, “What if they were really sick, like REALLY sick?” and that sobers me up to the tune of how I have nothing to cry about when there are people whose children are actually sick with cancer and other such horrors. That follows down a tube that says, “Remember the environment? Plastic? Climate’s f%$ked up?” Then, I think about the people I know in domestic violence situations. Then, I think about the times I’ve been asked to go to court to try and protect kids…how sometimes it helps and sometimes nothing changes. Then, I think, “Why are people just jerks to each other?” Even though I know that there are multiple factors that go into every sad, unimaginable situation…except that I don’t imagine it….I just know now. And it’s hard to look reality right in it’s fucking face.

UGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Too much time inside.

I saw this video of a lady that was feeling worn out in human services. It ended with a slideshow of all these famous people that did amazing things for human rights. Her basic message was that some way, somehow these outstanding human beings found a way to smile. A way to be kind. To stand tall in the face of suffering. Maybe I should find that and watch it again?

Anyway. Sorry for the rant today 🙂 All the best to you and your loved ones!

Terra Rose

Therapists don’t know what your dreams mean.

This would have surprised me, if someone had told me it when I was a teenager. The field has moved a long way from Freud and laying on a sofa.

I can’t speak for all mental health professionals, but for myself I can say that these are things you could expect from me at work: to listen to you, to share books/articles/websites regarding relationships, parenting, and goal setting; to ask you questions about your relationships, parenting, connections to your community, your faith beliefs, your hopes for your future and the futures of your children and/or nieces and nephews, and to teach skills.

I don’t know if you should stay with your current romantic partner or not. It’s not within my scope to give law advice. Your primary care provider is the one to talk to about medications.

I can’t tell you who is lying and who is telling the truth.

I find it sad when parents abuse their children. Sometimes, part of my job is simply begging, begging people to be kind to those who are vulnerable: children, older adults, persons with cognitive disabilities.

Please, don’t hit people. Not with a belt, not with a stick, not with your hand, not in a box with a fox eating green eggs and ham. Do not listen to any person or book or person who wrote a book (anyone can write a book!) who says that aggression somehow leads to goodness.

So much of what ends in abuse starts out as an attempt to control. It starts with a larger or more powerful person telling themself a lie.

That lie is, “I am in control of other people.”

More on this topic to come 🙂 But I will leave this post with this adjustment to an old prayer that I recently read on a parenting skills blog:

“God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the People I cannot change, the Courage to Change the People I can, and the Wisdom to know….It’s me.”

All the best to you and your loved ones!

Terra

During a lunch break, I thought I’d walk over to a local cafe and order soup. I picked soup, because I remember it being a quick item from when I was a waitress. The steps, as I know them are: 1) Take the person’s order 2) Walk over to the soup container 3) Take out a bowl 4) Put soup into the bowl 5) Give to the customer. These steps take, maybe…maybe…5-7 minutes…and that’s being generous.

You can probably guess where I’m going with this. 15 minutes later, I am still waiting. I’m starting to think, “Does fresh bread come with the soup?

Are they making that bread right now?”

I used to hate these kind of moments, but now I value them. It’s that moment where I can see how easily I could lose my temper. If I went with my first impulse, my actions would look something like this: pacing, huffing, and asking, “How LONG does it take to make soup?” and/or waiting until I get my soup and asking, “Is there something else I can get, next time, that wouldn’t take so long?”

What I’ve learned is that Thoughts effect Emotions and emotions effect Actions/Behaviors. It’s called The Cognitive Triangle.

My thought in this story is: Making soup has only a few steps and should be here in 5-7 minutes. My emotions (after 5-7 minutes have long since passed) are: Mad, frustrated, disgust?…a bit, and sad. Sad, because I feel like I’ve been tricked. The skill becomes replacing my first thought with multiple alternatives. Here are some alternatives/possibilities: Maybe they don’t keep soup in a container that stays warm (like when I was a waitress)? Maybe the soup here comes out of the freezer? Maybe they don’t believe in or have a microwave here? Maybe the cook just had a baby and can barely get through the day? Maybe there were call-in orders that need to get prepped before my order? Maybe I can just eat somewhere else next time?

If I can get myself going with multiple alternatives, I usually wear myself out. As well, I try to go with the most compassionate of the thoughts. At which point, my emotions can go from mad to understanding or at able to tolerate a situation that I don’t fully understand. Then, my actions/behavior changes from the above pacing, huffing, comments to simply texting my sister: “Fooled me twice. How long does it take to make soup???!!!”

Because, yes, this has happened twice. What the heck?!!!! Okay, I’m not totally over it. But you get the idea.

I do wonder, though, if there is any kind way to ask about the situation. Is this a normal amount of wait time for soup? Am I off and need to change my expectations?

At any rate, I was able to walk away without behaving like a total ass…which is a win! The person even said, “I’m sorry for the wait” in a tone (I’ve gotten better at hearing tones over the years) that said she was not sorry AT ALL. I took my soup calmly and walked away.

Ever onwards! With Love,

Terra Rose Knoble

If you type, “creating a healthier life a step-by-step guide SAMSHA” into the search engine, a solid and helpful resource will appear.

I like this one. Here is a quote, “wellness is about how we live our lives and the joy and fulfillment and health we experience.”

I’ve been lucky enough not to struggle with substance abuse, but anxiety and depressed mood are often a part of my life. I’ve been a much happier person since I’ve learned to see the world in terms of skill building, rather than a fixed situation that cannot be changed. It’s often the difference between saying, “What I’m doing is not great” rather than “What I am is not great.”

This resource breaks areas of wellness into the categories: social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, environmental, financial,  and occupational. These are not in any particular order. Which I like, because if you change something in one of the areas…you almost can’t help but get better in another area 🙂

More quotes, “Habits become ingrained in us-and are often tough to change.”

“Establishing new, better habits that support our wellness goals and values can be challenging, but worth it. Developing healthier routines and habits in our lives can lead to positive feelings (emotional), relationship satisfaction (social), increased energy (physical), inspiration (emotional), and and a feeling that we are using our creative talents, skills, and abilities to engage in activities (occupational, intellectual, spiritual).”

This week has been pretty good. With the help of family and friends, I have returned to daily 30 minutes running or walking (physical). It seems to be working to run one day and then walk the next…every other pattern. We’ve been sending each other texts and pictures of our runs/walks (social!). My favorite thing has always been reading,  but sometimes the days are crunched. I was reading about the health benefits of fresh cranberries this morning (intellectual). I’m planning to attend a training in Duluth called, “Forensic Interviewing.” I’m learning that there are studied ways of responding to children who disclose sexual abuse that help in the court system (occupational, spiritual). I think the last one is spiritual, because helping the vulnerable is just.

In unrelated, and more selfish news, I will turn 39 this December. This begins a full year for my family and friends to plan an awesome party.

Don’t worry, I’ll act surprised!

Hugs and love,

Terra

Jealousy is for the young.

Recently, I remembered that I had only watched one season of Downtown Abbey. Every morning, I’ve been having my coffee in luxury. The costumes are beautiful. The drama was silly, until World War I hit (as the show is set in the late 1800’s and 1900’s).

Sometimes, I miss silly things like jealousy. Maybe I’m becoming a better person, but there are moments when I feel this deep ache to care about the things that once mattered to me. I wish I could care who is better looking than me, or who is more successful, or faster. I wish I could care, because then, maybe, things could all go back to being petty and easy.

After the war, on Downtown, the characters try to go back to the things they once valued. It’s just not possible, not truly. On a timeline that is longer or shorter for each of us, we fully realize that life is only to love each other. And most likely, this is for the best. But it can feel like living as a turtle without a shell. Oh, how I miss my nail polish covered shell!

Sincerely,

Terra Rose