Category Archives: Uncategorized

I had just an awesome Christmas and New Years! It was so much fun having family and friends over. I love moving furniture around and making the space as nice as possible for guests. At times like this, I wish I’d bought a larger house. Then, I remember that we’d need to care for/clean the house the rest of the year. Small houses are more manageable for me. Though it’s been reasonably argued that a bigger home has more storage and that would mean less clutter.

Things I love about parties: cutting up veggies, cheese, apple, summer sausage, listening to the sound of kids laughing, drinking beer or wine (or a new one–mulled wine/hot wine…Did you know about this???!!), singing karaoke on with YouTube on the TV, sleeping on the floor, dressing up in fancy clothes, and feeling like the luckiest person on Earth.

After everyone leaves, I feel a bit sad. I watch TV until it becomes boring (my record is two full days of watching, not including breaks for work). Now, I truly can’t watch anymore shows. At first it is so quiet and it feels like the whole world is dull. I also wear my workout clothes for 2 to 3 days, as though I’m just about to get on the treadmill or do yoga (at work I wear professional clothes…that’s just basic respect). But I don’t until Saturday morning/yesterday, when I wake up ready to run again. A teenager told me that she wasn’t going to write about her trauma, because that was something her last therapist said she had to do. I don’t say it out loud but I think, “We don’t have to do anything except pay taxes and die.” Which was something my uncle used to say when we were little. We were like, “What are taxes?” And I’m not sure if he answered or if the answer was too confusing to remember or if I wandered off during the answer (its probably the last one). What I say out loud is, “We all have different paths to feeling well.” And I wish I would have added, “I’m a safe person to say, ‘no’ to.” Because I usually remember to say that. I don’t think I was always a safe person to say no to. Physically, yes, always. But I know that I used to pout and mope….long into adulthood…if I didn’t get my way on something. I believe that I have changed. I hope that is true.

Happy New Year! I only set one resolution this year and it is to improve my communication/support to parents of the children I work with at the school. At the clinic, I see the parents before or after the child’s appointment. But at the school, they are invited to come to clinic and rarely do. I think this is because of work schedules. I can try calling over the phone and see if that helps.

All the best to you and your loved ones!

Terra

Sometimes, I want to go back to college just so someone would give me topics to write on. I miss that part. I even miss fretting about what I would write. If I wanted to get a PhD in my field, the colleges expect me to live there, do research, and teach classes. It’s two to three hours of drive time to get to any of the schools that have doctoral programs. Plus, I would miss being home with my family. I finally got my schedule switched over to daytime only (no more nights! that’s a new therapist’s game!).

So, I start google searching online programs. Some of them are garbage, but others look okay.

With all the changes in the past two years, I’d like that studying and writing would be things that I could do at home.

My other idea was completely different. Contact the county about becoming a respite care provider. This would be the lazy version of becoming a foster parent. It is hard for people (like me) who have come from families where there are lots of people you can count on to understand that some children simply do not have that.

8:42pm? I better get to bed so I can get up early enough to drink coffee and trick myself out the door with TV. Here’s the process. Coffee: check. Put clothes in dryer to get rid of wrinkles: check. Kids wake up early also to snuggle up on the couch: check. Watch a funny show: check. Pause the show multiple times for people to use the bathroom: Yep. Put on nice clothes and say, “Come on. Get out of here.” to self a couple times. Drive away. Or see that the car is covered in frost and yell, “Crap!” Clean just enough to see and spray the windshield wiper fluid as I drive. There’s more, but yeah.

Merry Christmas real soon!

Terra

I saw this movie, awhile ago, where the main character falls off an exercise bike. She hits her head pretty hard. Then, she walks into the bathroom and sees herself in the mirror. To everyone coming in and out of the bathroom, she proclaims that a miracle has happened.

“I’m beautiful!” She yells.

This has happened to me. I don’t recall hitting my head on anything, but by some mystery of goodness I feel like I am good.

The way I am and the way I look is good to me now.

Merry Christmas!

Terra Rose

“It’s not fair!” I hear that a lot. I think that often as well. This is a tough concept.

Sometimes, things really aren’t fair. Other times, things are exactly fair.

I’ve probably talked about this before. Whenever I’m on a kick of getting into better shape, and the only mathematical way to lose weight is to eat healthier and exercise (but mostly its about the food)….I find myself thinking, “Hey! This isn’t fair!” about the treats I have to forego in order to meet a health goal.

And that’s the thing: it’s EXACTLY fair. Either I want the health goal or I want all the treats. Its one or the other (that’s not to say that quantity doesn’t factor into this-when portions get figured out, many treats are back on the table).

“All things are caused.” or “Everything has causes.” I’ve been googling who the owner of that quote is and I haven’t found it yet. I’ll let you know when I find who we should credit 🙂

Sometimes the causes seem completely outside of our control, but there may be some small piece where we can affect change.

More on this after work!

Hugs!!!! I hope you carve a pumpkin or put up some fake spiderwebs!

Terra

Good news! My family and I have joined a running club nearby 🙂 Its twice a week. Our littlest rides her bike, and the rest of us run 2 miles.

Its nice to meetup with other families that care about health/exercise!

I continue to work as a licensed therapist, an unlicensed mother, a C- gardener, and continue to make peace with not knowing everything.

I hope that you are well on this fine Wednesday morning.

All the best!

Terra

I read this at the top of a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy course I’m reviewing:

“It’s Not About You

Your emotions are not yours to own forever. Your feelings are not unique and you are not alone.”

I laugh out loud. Really. I try to imagine myself passing this information on to people in pain. Hard to imagine a scenario where someone doesn’t hang up or storm off. People want compassion, kindness, empathy as a response. And I think this is needed and right. Still, the other message is important also. Where does this sense of uniqueness come from? How does it trample the more likely reality that all people hurt?

We are filled with the opposite. My pain is the worst. No one gets it. I’m surrounded by people who have an easier time than me.

Well, I’m not sure how many people think this way. But I do think that the saddest among us are pretty deep into this way of thinking.

It takes work not to fall into it. The path of least resistance is to believe that pain is unique.

Anyway. Something funny. We figured out who has been pushing ABC magnets off of the fridge. Cat!!!! Here we thought our youngest was putting them on the floor while spelling things out.

The sun is out again. Try to get out there at least a little each day 🙂

Hugs,

Terra Rose

Like clockwork, I wake up on a Monday morning and feel crushing sadness.

I roll through my practical tools for managing. Antecedent: Working on-site at a school. Thoughts: What if I’m doing something wrong? What a kid is missing important lesson time and no one lets me know? What if the kids don’t want to do therapy? What if my plan isn’t good enough? Emotions: Sadness

I’m not sure why I’m working at the school on Mondays. To understand this, you have to have some amount of faith. In my life I’ve learned to do things that I feel driven to do, compelled to do, even if I find myself lacking. Even when I think, “Am I good enough?” and “Isn’t there someone better who should be doing this?”

My understanding of faith is that you really can feel what you should be doing. It’s a hard thing to describe. It doesn’t spell out on the page. It’s a feeling like, “I should try.” It’s a breath of fresh air that comes in after you do try. It’s choosing to get on the Rollercoaster, when you’d really rather be eating a hot dog.

And there isn’t a living soul who can tell you that you should try. Or who can tell you if you are actually trying your best. Only you can know, it’s on the inside and it takes some noticing. It’s easy not to notice. So many ways to distract from noticing. But each distraction is hollow, and when you reach out for something real it’s there.

Just like you always knew it would be. Just like you always know it will be.

Try these things that make you nervous. Try these things that feel awkward. Go to places where you can’t possibly fit it.

You’re needed.

For it being so cold out, we’ve had a surprisingly fun weekend. The girls and I made bread and it was not as hard as I had imagined. I was grabbing a multi-vitamin, when I saw these packets of active dry yeast that I must have panic bought at the start of everything closing up last year. I’ve never made bread in my life or even thought it was an activity I’d want to try.

Good surprise. And, as often is the case, when kids make something…they adore eating it. Even if it is whole wheat flour and quite thick/solid in texture.

I have been continuing with an online review of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Everything sounds fancier than it is…Cognitive Behavioral Therapy basically means that thoughts affect emotions and behavior. Event….thoughts….emotions. Or I’ve seen it also written as: Antecedent….Belief….Consequence. The actual event/antecedent is the only factual piece. The thoughts/beliefs about the event need to be sorted through like old clothes…which ones of these actually fit the facts?

The best example I’ve witnessed/been apart of was nine years ago. (I might have shared this before).

I was picking my 3 year old up from preschool. His sister was just born, and I was hauling in the car seat with the baby inside. My back hurt, because I’ve never really had much for arm strength. When I set the car seat down and was waiting for my little guy to get his coat on, I was staring off thinking, “This is my life now. Exhaustion.” And as I was feeling truly and fully sorry for myself, my son’s preschool teacher walked up and started apologizing to me.

This was profoundly confusing. I had no clue what she was even talking about. Well, at first I didn’t see her there…then her face started to come into focus as my pity party faded and I realized another human being was trying to get my attention.

She was saying something like, “Oh, I was going to make new ones. I’m going to get to those.” She gestured to paper taped on the wall. My eyes followed to my son’s name and the names of the other students. She was apologizing about paper name labels that were hung above the kids’ jackets.

For once, I realized that someone was reacting to my mope-ing expression. It connected that she thought my sad face was about a chore she wanted to get done. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, from her perspective, would line up approximately: Event/Antecedent: My mope face. Thoughts/Belief: This parent things I’m doing a bad job teaching her child. She’s looking at my crumbly old name tags. I am a bad teacher. Why do I even try? Emotion/Consequence: Feeling sad, anxious, apologizing to parent.

Now, I’ve experienced this type of thing many, many, many times in my life. But that was the first time I recognized that other people go through it just the same as me.

If we let our thoughts just run, unchecked, they can lead us down a negative path. Don’t let this happen. I know this time of year can feel long, cold, and rather bleak. But think of all those that love us, and keep trying to question thoughts in order to find the choices that exist in our daily lives.

Make bread. Call people you love. Use the treadmill or pace around the house or look-up, “walking exercise” on Youtube. Look at the calendar and plan for a garden. Keep going, because good things are coming. Love never dies.

All the best to you!

Terra

Al used talk to a wellness coach a couple times a month. If I’m remembering correctly, he was super in it for the amazon gift cards. A few days ago, that memory popped into my head and I wondered if health insurance companies still do that.

Turns out my health insurance has a bunch of stuff like that. Yes, about the wellness coach. She’ll call me every other week for up to a year. Also, there are online learning and health tracking apps. A friend was telling me that health insurance will sometimes pay for health related expenses as well, such as weightwatchers or a gym membership.

It’s free/included in the money I already pay to have health insurance. So, a nice find!

Love,

Terra Rose

Tried putting make-up on today and I looked like a scary ghost.

Now, I’m putting three fourths of the clothes I own into a box to go to charity. What I can say, that is upbeat/positive, is that my girls are LOVING digging through my old outfits, putting on make-up, and wearing big high heal shoes around!

I’m going to push myself to wear some weird styles this coming week. Therapists are allowed to dress bizarrely. At least I think so, from the past when I was on the other chair. I remember lots of brightly colored scarves and looked out of place.

Saturdays are often hard now. Everything from the week washes over me, and I feel about one particle of a million of what I imagine a person feels like coming home from a war. Or maybe one particle out of a billion? I don’t want to go so far as to compare myself to someone fighting in a war…just the process is similar. Like where you don’t feel it right away. Or maybe like a person in a car accident? While the car accident is happening, you’re not afraid…the way you will be when you try to get to sleep for the rest of the week.

While hard things are happening, I just handle it. I actually do. (This will be the braggy part)

“I’m surprised how well I’m handling this!” I’ll think to myself. “Look at you, helping people, doing just what you studied to do!” “Ha! That elementary school teacher was wrong. I CAN listen and pay attention.” I’ll see myself making phone calls to parents, social workers. lawyers, doctors. “I’m doing it! Advocating for the vulnerable just like we were taught at church.”

Then, the work week ends…and I’m driving home. I turn up the radio, but I can still hear all the sadness, women trying hard and getting stomped down, people with cognitive disabilities without rights, children abused, and some people with sadness or anxiety that they can’t shake without a discernible cause.

It rolls past me like a train. I can barely tell where one train car ends and another begins. Just this big blur. And it’s all tragic. A movie I can’t turn off.

Upstream prevention is rather a buzz word. Still, I think the concept makes sense. Protective factors include: Physical health, healthy relationships with family and friends, faith, engaging in meaningful activities, practicing gratitude. There are more…I’ve looked a several wheels outlining protective factors. The latest I’ve read can be found here: https://sourcesofstrength.org/wp-content/uploads/grant-writing-document.pdf

As well, my co-worker has been sending me information about Community Schools. Increasing parent/teacher relationships in more of a teamwork approach (if history serves me, I think schools have been this way and sometimes are presently…but must be drifting away from teamwork and becoming more separate entities (a buzz word for this is “Siloed”). Also, increasing communication with local health and other services/businesses: doctors, dentists, mental health, and internships at area businesses for the older kids. I have some immediate concerns about privacy, but I will read and learn before I panic.

All the best to you and your loved ones!

Terra Rose