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The picture is of Sam, Ariel’s and my sister’s new baby.

Welcome to my new blog! MobileMe closed down, so here I am. I put up one post from last year about turning 30, otherwise its going to be all new stories.

I was just evaluating my resolutions from last year. Usually, I set my goals on New Year’s Eve, but Randy & I ate a tower of wings at Green Mill and I exploded from both ends…bringing the night to an early end.

Anyway. Here’s last year:

My New Year Resolutions:

1. Write three things I’m grateful for each morning in my journal.
2. Get up every weekday by 6:00am
3. Read book and go to community ed book club.
4. Read classics. Starting with “War and Peace”
5. Write on my blog once per week.
6. Attend Spin Class once per week at the YMCA
7. Do my hip exercises once per week.
8. Clean my car.
9. Quit Facebook

Three out of eight were accomplished. Not to shabby. Looking in my journal, I see that I dropped off on writing the 3 things I’m grateful for in the beginning of May. That will be a good one to reinstate.

New Year’s Resolutions: 2012

1. Write three things I’m grateful for prior to each journal entry.
2. Try one recipe each week.
3. Track my finances once per week.
4. Do the plank exercise for 2 minutes following each run.
5. Start Graduate school for Master’s in Marriage & Family Therapy.
6. Get Theresa back on her own blog.
7. Hug my kids every morning.
8. Pray every night.
9. Take deep breaths whenever I notice myself getting anxious.
10. Lose remaining pregnancy weight, 8 pounds.

What are your New Year’s Resolutions?

The ramp up to turning 30 has me reading through all my old journals. Thoughts, hopes, dreams from the past 17 years.  Perceptions, many inaccurate, of a child becoming a woman. Stories of someone who loved and lost and loved some more. In addition to the journals, I saved a few papers I wrote in college. I re-read one about addictions.

Summed up in one sentence: “Addictions are trying to fill from without that which can only be filled from within.” (I didn’t think of that on my own. It’s a quote from a book I read on the topic.)Addictions have been on my mind lately, because I’ve been volunteering at a jail once a week for a couple months now. I bring in GED information or and templates for creating a resumé, but often I just end up listening. 100% of the people I’ve worked with have one or more addictions.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

While in AmeriCorps I tutored middle school students in basic math and english. A flier up at the library was asking for literacy volunteers. I might not be a fantastic writer, but I am literate.

As I read through my past, I find that the situations, circumstances, and people change. But many of the feelings do not.

The feeling that I am not doing enough comes in waves. This tide of NOT ENOUGH,  NOT ENOUGH, NOT ENOUGH beats against me. And I just try to keep my head up.

I realize that knowing me, being my friend, loving me, is sometimes a stressful experience for others.

Each day, I try to be more balanced. In the past few years, I’ve acknowledged that my happiness is my responsibility and I deeply regret not realizing this sooner. Often times, I have reached out when I should been reaching in.

Love is limitless. But there are limits to what other people can do for one another.

There is a prayer I remember from when I was a child. “Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love”

I try to love and do good things without any expectations. I’m still a long way from my goal. So, I get up at 5am and listen to Devotchka, “How it Ends.” on repeat until my family wakes up.

The music builds to a point, then falls, then builds again.

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