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Dear Reader,

The roads were sh*t today. Bluey was spinning her wheels this way and that, until I said a prayer and turned around. No class is worth crashing for. 

Being stuck in the car is like running a marathon…your whole life flashes before you. You’ve got nowhere to go and you really shouldn’t be talking on the ole cell phone. Everything you ever said or did is right there, riding with you, a bus load of angry monkeys. 

Hyper vigilant following the ruts of someone else’s tracks just so, while some other you is putting your feet in the creek behind your childhood house, or in a could-be future where you finish the drive and take a hot bath or dance at your son’s wedding.

I thought a bit about Christmas.

 I could sit down and have a cup of coffee with the Grinch. Quietly slip into his lair and wait out the entire holiday starting right after Thanksgiving. “All those whos..,” He’d start out and I’d finish his sentence like he was my brother.

Year after year, my brain gets ahold of an idea..a mythical dream that I will buy the perfect gifts for the people I love. A sort of Christmas mirage that stays just out of reach. “This year,” I think, “things are going to be different.” 

The back of my journal, from when I was 14, was line after line of a resolution. I will get organized. I will get organizedI will get organizedI willgetorganizedIwillgetorganized.

But it doesn’t matter how much you want something to change if you have no strategy. You can be as motivated and determined as an Olympic Athlete, but you need more than that!

“Christmas is this time when everyone gets disappointed. No matter what!” I confide in my green pal. And he’d know just what I mean. Or maybe he wouldn’t… if he was the Grinch from the end of the movie. 

I just.

I just don’t know. I want to have a good Christmas. I want to have a good ChristmasI want

tohaveagoodChristmasIwanttohaveagoodChristmas.

I think that everybody is looking to get so much out of this one evening and morning each year. Its just a lot of pressure. What about the rest of the year?

Let’s send each other a letter or a card here or there. Let each other know that we love one another. Maybe give a gift when you’re just at the store and you see something that’s totally right for someone you care about. 

My ideal Christmas would probably involve lighting a candle and saying nice things about all the people in my life, whom I love and whom I’m thankful to have around. But everyone has different ways of experiencing love and my thing is words. Hearing them, speaking them, reading them, writing them. I like words. 

But plenty of people like gifts. It means something else for them and how they experience love. That’s why I’m going to keep trying with Christmas gifts. I’ll try and try. And maybe someday I’ll get it right. I used to think it was boring to tell people what you want for Christmas and then have them get it for you. Okay! I still don’t get that!!! But if it works for you, let me know, and I will pick something from the list to buy. 

Christmas Blunders Then and Now:

• A couple years ago, I registered my step-dad for bike race in the spring. Then, created a training plan that started after Christmas and built up to the day of the race. This was meant to be seen as loving and I put a lot of heart into it, but the end result was that it was received as me being, “cheap.” Looking back, I can see that it was controlling. Imagine…me… controling. Hard to believe ; )
• This year, I got my mother in-law a beautiful pair of earrings. This would have went great, but for the fact that I was so proud of myself and had to mention going into a quote, “real jewelry store.” Which I honestly have never bought anything in a real jewelry store. This caused my husband to look pale, thinking that they were real diamonds and outside of our budget. I didn’t even realize my mistake until talking to him on the car ride home. Mortifying and sad. 
• When I was 20, and on break from college, I spent over $300 on Christmas. People actually did enjoy their presents. I was able to get my step-dad the welder I knew he wanted. And that was great…until I had no money for food a few weeks later. I think this happens to a lot of people during the holiday shopping frenzy…they just want to have this one good day. And sometimes its worth it. I don’t know.

Now Sam’s crying because Ariel ate part of his lunch. And I can’t even think at all about where I was going with all this. 

Except that I’m sorry.

I have these days where I feel like I’m finally growing and seeing the world in a more rational and balanced way. And then I have days like today. 

So, I’m just going to take a bite out a block of Veleeta and wash it down with a clove of garlic. I’ve been doing some research, and garlic can cure practically anything and keep you from getting sick. The cheese is just for fun and good memories of childhood snacking.

Sincerely,

Terra Rose

Recently, I was watching “Christmas Vacation”. Clark locked himself in the attic and proceeded to run into a few boards and fall through a ceiling, ect, and I thought, “Why am I not laughing?”

Then, two days later, I was helping my husband and brother in-law hoist our new stove through our front door and I hooked the back on my shirt on the door handle, choking myself in the neck, and I realized that I AM CLARK GRISWALD!

yep. that’s me. While working at Culver’s I got stuck outside, trying to figure out how to put the letters on the sale board. While in Brazil, I tripped over my feet right in the middle of town. And the amount of tripping UP the stairs, as a kid, was so frequent that it wasn’t even a surprise of anyone in the house (It seemed like my glasses added an extra stair. Like looking down added this kid of mirage stair).

Anyway. I’ve been drinking some wine and thinking about Christmas. I problem I have with Christmas is that I can never think of the right gift. Is there anything, ANYTHING, anything on earth that really lets the people we love know how much we love them?!!

I don’t know. I am just emotional.

This song popped into my head. And I couldn’t think of the words, only the melody and Kevin Bacon’s face.

Surprisingly, that was enough to google and find it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyeZy_UPYKM

“All the things I should have said but I didn’t. All the things I should have done but I didn’t.”

**I think my job at a nursing home is getting to me**

I feel like I should I should make more out of my life. While I can still move. I’ve yet to hear anyone say that they wish they would have done less and had less kids. We should have another child. Because that window will close before we know it.

A classmate of Sammy’s died in a car crash…I keep staring at the class picture and seeing her. I keep trying to delete the text from her mom saying they would be out of town for Sam’s birthday. When I found out that people were keeping their porch lights on for her, I kept looking at my phone and thinking that she was alive for Sam’s birthday.

Our porch light wouldn’t work on one side of the house, so I brought out a candle and it burned all night.

Someone snow plowed our driveway. I have know idea who. That was nice. And I would like to say thank you.

One of the residents told me that no one cares about you when your old. I don’t think that’s true, but its hard for those of us who are moving a certain pace to find the time to do the things that really matter, like be present for the people we love.

Good night and God bless,

Terra Rose

Ps. Theresa, you are getting a drunk dial tonight 🙂

I was just remembering that scene from, “A Christmas Story” where the little brother is all bundled up and can barely move. 

Its 10 degrees now, and will most likely be below zero at some point today. So, I helped Sam into his snow pants, and remembered a scarf and hat, and one glove and a wool sock on the other hand. I was going to stop by the store and get him a new set of gloves, because it seems that his left glove truly is lost, but the roads were terrible yesterday.

Sam was less that thrilled with his “sock hand”.

Ah, I hear Ariel waking up 🙂

Hugs!

Terra

Its been awhile since I’ve written. 

Here’s what’s been going on. Sam started 4K. He loves, loves, LOVES school. Getting him up and going in the morning used to be a chore, but now its easy. He gets his own clothes on and eats his breakfast and we go outside together to wait for the bus (which is one of the best parts of going to school). 

I enjoy the bus stop. The kids like to race each other up and down the hill. Jumping up and down blowing on their hands, they chat and giggle and it brings back memories for me. The world seems to shift every ten years or so, as though it were a spinning house and I am seeing different sides of it. First the front step, then the roof, then a window, like a camera that is zoomed in too far. 

Its temping to think that I can see the whole house.

But even with my eyes wide open, I can only see the piece that’s in front of me. I think I read this somewhere…about a professor that asked his students to look out a window at a large cathedral and describe it. Even when everyone was looking from the same angle, what they saw was different. 

I think life is like that. When we are small, we see certain things. Like the various shades of orange in the leaves. The shape of our breath in the cold air. 

I enjoy the bus stop, because I take the chance to see what the kids see. And it makes my life richer and brighter. 

Cooking has a way of highlighting all of my worst flaws.

Preparing food from a recipe involves:

1. Finding things at the store with kids. I wasn’t all that great at finding things at the store before I had children. Now, shopping its a combination of confusion, tears, and occasional yelling.

2. Working with Meat. Before I had kids, I was terrified of cooking raw meat. I had to get over it when we had kids, these guys need protein. But washing my hands a million times, as I worry about food poisoning, gets old. 

3. Following written instructions. !!!! 

4. Paying for food. No matter how much I tell myself that going out to eat costs more than buying bulk items at the grocery store, I still hulk out while swiping my card. How can it be that much? How? Seriously, how?

I am trying to cook this week. I signed up for this emeals program. I got all of the ingredients, for the whole week, right here in my home. Tonight equals braised chicken.

Sorry this post was less than interesting. I have a 4 year old on my lap and its been a long day 🙂 Hugs, 

Terra

Ps. Wonder what pine nuts taste like…

Some years ago, I shared with you that my three biggest concerns can be summed up into this non-dictontionary related word:

“Kidjobold”

I wanted to look back at my first Kidjobold post from 2005 or so, but I’m uncertain how to re-open my old blog and compare what I’m feeling now to what I was feeling at that time. I thought I saved the entries somewhere before the other site shut down, but I’m not certain and I only have a few more minutes before my favorite storm hits.

Anyway.

The Big Three:

Kid

Should we have a kid(s)? When should we have a kid? These questions used to swirl around in my head non-stop before Sammy came into our lives. This concern doesn’t trouble me in the same way as it once did…now that we have been blessed by two crazy red heads!

Now, I am a parent. “Kid” now means making sure my children are safe, that they know they are loved, and that I am teaching them every good piece of knowledge in my brain

Job

We need money in order to eat, but Job in Kidjobold isn’t about pulling in a paycheck. Its about vocation. What are my  talents and how can use what I’ve been given in the best possible way? Of course, you can bring kindness with you into any place of employment. You don’t have to have your dream job in order to be happy. I find that I am happiest when I feel productive, when I can look around and see what I’ve accomplished. My job right now is raising my kids. Its hard, sometimes, having a job where your boss literally sh*ts on you. Then, again it melts my heart when I hear Sam says, “Ariel, are you my  friend?” and I hear her say, “Yeah!”

Also, and a bit unrelated, I was reading somewhere that most people aren’t all that great at guessing what will make them happy. The other day, the kids and I took a stroll down to the beach and the DNR were measuring and tagging a Paddlefish. He was a beautiful monster. They asked us if we wanted to touch his slippery skin, and surprisingly none of us were scared to. When I close my eyes, now, and picture that fish…its my happy place. I felt honored to have seen him. If you had asked me even one minute before I saw the paddlefish whether or not this experience would make me happy I would not have said yes.

I could not have guessed how I would feel.

I have been blessed to have had many moments like that throughout my life. But they are, more often than not, unplanned. Before I quit my job to become I stay at home parent, I thought what I’m doing now would be a blast. While being a parent is extremely meaningful, it is also exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally, many days (like right now!) I feel totally drained. Somehow, despite my hard work, I still manage to be five pounds over weight.

Old

We are here for a limited time only. I ache for every minute I waste. I wish I could say more about this…but “Diego!” is over and I get to read some stories before two little cuties pass out for the night (or three hours, then crawl into my bed).

Hugs!

Terra

I’ve recently come to the realization that complaining is like farting.

We all need to complain/fart sometimes due to a processing of all the comes through us. But some times and places are better than others.

Complaining in front of children, or anyone under our care, is as rude as farting in an elevator. Our dependents have a limited comprehension of the issues that give us intestinal distress; money, politics, germs, interpersonal dilemmas. Talking in front of children, as though they weren’t sniffing in every complaint, is well…its just the worst.

Try to remember a time when you had no control over a particular outcome…..Got one in mind? If not, imagine you are on an airplane.

The captain turns his speaker on and says to his co-pilot and flight attendant, “Well, friends, I have no idea how I’m going to land this thing. Also, I think we may or may not be leaking gasoline. No? Oh. I just thought maybe. I guess that is just the way coffee smells when its left on too long.”

They all chuckle. But you are already feeling around under the seat for that cushion/life preserver. You push the call button and ask for some clarification about landing procedures, and the flight attendant comes up to your seat and yells,

“WHAT?! What are you DOING?!!! I’m trying to talk to the captain. This is serious, we have work to do.”

A few minutes later, the banter continues, “This job is the worst! All these passengers do is take, take, take! Why can’t they just sit in their seats and relax?”

“I know. What, ah, do you hear that beeping? What is that?” The captain’s voice is shaking.

“Yeah, we really should have planned for this.” The flight attendant also sounds worried.

Anyway. You get it. And no my family and I are not in any kind of trouble right now. But we worry so very much.

Sometimes, worrying is a good thing. Making responsible choices has helped us to create what I feel is a pretty awesome life 🙂 Still, there’s a difference between planning for the future and nail-biting terror regarding unforeseen events that we have no control over.

To bring us back, we all complain/fart sometimes. Things build up. That doesn’t mean its cool to fart up an elevator packed with other humans who can not get away.

Try not to complain in front of people who don’t have any control over the situation. When possible, point out the things they can do or do have control over. Feeling powerless is fun for no one.

Make time for complaining and/or for talking about serious issues when dependents are not around.

If one slips out…apologize.

And strengthen those brain/butt muscles that control stinky output. It really helps create a happier day for the people we love.