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Theresa had a baby boy on October 18th! His name is Dean 🙂

What a cutie!!!!

Now that I know how to write posts from my phone, there will be lots of short little shared thoughts 🙂

In the morning, the kids show no signs of being awake last night. Oh, that they could share some of that thunder with me!

Today was my first day shadowing a therapist. This went better than I expected, and to celebrate I eat at the grocery store buffet. This much more delicious than it sounds. The salad bar is very fresh and there are four kinds of soups.

Next, I work skills from 1:30-5:30pm.

The guys in the booth next to me and talking about God. One says, “I wish I would listen more to the Holy Spirit.”

I wish I could hear the rest of the conversation, but the person at the table on my other side keeps opening crackers for her soup.

These soups are too good for crackers.

My head hits the pillow at 11:30pm and the cough/crying begins at 1:30pm.

I’m not even sure if I was sleeping when I get back up.

I feel angry. It’s unfair. I worked all day and then went to class. It’s childish to think this way…the concept of fairness does not apply well to life.

My biggest parenting mistake is that I will sometimes try to reason with my kids about sleeping.

Its nighttime. I can’t help it that you have coughs. Please stop crying.

Cough syrup is a real blessing. We have this kind, Zarbees, made out of honey and zinc. It works surprisingly well.

The whole cry episode lasts about an hour. Then, I wish I wasn’t pregnant so I could have a something to help me calm down.

As it is, I eat a pack of fruit snacks. And drink a big glass of water.

Maybe they will sleep for awhile or wake up 10 minutes from now…no way to know.

Have you seen the movie, “The Wedding Singer” ?

There’s this guy who loved entertaining at weddings, until he gets stood up at his own.

His first day back on the job, after his bride doesn’t show, he gets drunk and basically rains on the wedding with a slew of bad jokes and cynical remarks.

At one point, a wedding guest asks him to shut it. And he says something like (Theresa you can put the true wording in the comments 😉

“I have the microphone and You will listen to every word I have to say!!!!”

I feel like that now. I want to tell every person I see the ENTIRE story of my day, my week, my life.

So, look out telemarketers…

It was nice to see the kids I work with getting along tonight. There are reasons I do this work. One of the reasons is the old cliché: it takes one to know one. Sometimes, a kid I work with will see a kid from school and will wave and the kid will pretend not to see. Its sad. And I might not have been a complete social outcast as a kid, but I do understand what its like to feel lonely and not know why your efforts to reach out are futile. I think what sometimes happens is that your own story fills you up…and making friends involves creating a space in your heart and mind for other people’s stories. I try to share this concept with the kids in little ways.

Anyway. Tonight was nice, because I saw two kids connect who are generally isolated due to limited social skills and it made me happy in my heart.

Each time I drive to school or work, its about an hour. For 40 minutes or so, I cry about my step dad having cancer. For the remaining 20 minutes, I let my face return to its “pre-cry” state.

Lucky for me, my work cheers me up most days.

Classes are harder. As are the staff meetings. Chatter about “major stressors” and “feeling dis-regulated” makes me feel like throwing things. Even though I know that I’d be complaining about silly shit too if I could.

My husband and kids cheer me up as well. Having a weekend together was a breath of fresh air. Also, we are all VERY excited to welcome Theresa’s baby boy into this world any day now.

Right now, I just want to believe that Al is the guy that’s going to live. Despite doing some reading on WebMD, etc. I keep thinking, he must be inside of that smaller number: the ones that survive.

The weekend was fantastic! I was surprised how much of a difference I day off can make.

We cleaned the house at a slow, even pace on Saturday. Then, we went to the park. The weather has been a blessing…this is the first pregnancy I’ve had where I got to be large during the colder part of the the year. Its much nicer!

Tonight, I work 4pm-8pm and tomorrow 4:15pm-7:15pm. Mondays and Tuesdays are nice. Especially today, because Sam has a day off.

Wednesdays and Thursdays are tough. On Wednesday, I help Sam get on the bus and then leave at 8:00am to drive an hour to class. That class lasts three hours and there are rarely breaks…its weird…most classes will give a break every hour or so. This class, I just get up at random times to use the bathroom or to pretend to use the bathroom. I get an hour break from 12:30-1:30. Then, its a different class. This one is nicer, its a supervision class so its mainly reviewing our work and giving students ideas on how to do the best work possible. That ends at 4pm.  From there, I drive another hour. Work is from 5pm-8pm. Then, I drive another hour to get home. When I get home, I type up work notes and send them to the office.

Thursday is similar, but goes in reverse. After Sam gets on the bus, I give Ariel a ride to preschool. Then, I go to a work meeting (that is not billable but is mandatory because of the supervision needed) that lasts from 10:30am-12:30pm. There’s a break from 12:30-1:30pm, then resumes from 1:30-2:30. Then, I drive a half hour and work 3pm-5pm. Last is class. I drive an hour and class is from 6:00pm-9:15pm.

Friday is okay, but by this point I really want to just be done. Instead, I leave at 10:30am and shadow a therapist from 11:30-12:20pm. Last Friday, I got there and the client had called in sick. So, I went into town and tried to get some reading done at the library, but ended up sleeping in a green chair. Then, I worked from 3pm-7pm.

Anyway. Having Saturday and Sunday off felt like a million bucks! Hugs, Terra

I asked Randy to go to Sam’s parent/teacher conferences instead of me.

The way I pictured it going if I had attended:

Teacher: “Sam is doing well in ——- and ——–, but he is struggling in ——-.”

Me: “Struggling?! I’ll give YOU a struggle! Just let me take off my earrings…”

Having some insight about my instinct to fight anyone who doesn’t love everything about my kids, I asked Randy to go.

Randy’s teacher said that Sams vocabulary was outstanding, but he has difficulty listening and following directions.

I wish I had a dollar for every time a person asked me, “Are you listening?!” Or “Were you listening?!” Or “Did you follow thedirections?” Or “What the hell is wrong with you?!  Or “I just explained that.” Or “Did you hear a  word I just said?”

Also, the phrase: “Pay Attention” means this to me “Run away and Hide” because someone’s anger coming my way. If I couldn’t physically get away, I could create a space for myself inside.

Some ways to do this: draw during class, keep a book on your lap until someone takes it away, look forward to tests.

Ah, tests. A peaceful time when you read the questions, check the boxes, and then zonk out for a half hour until everyone is finished.

I also liked guest speakers. In my elementary school, foreign exchange students would come from the high school and teach us about the places they came from. For all the listening I didn’t do in my day-to-day, I can still remember those stories today.

Bad news hovers for a time.

There is a part of my mind that continues, for a short time, thinking normal stuff- like what snacks are in the house or how a movie ended.

As the bad news lands, I watch those thoughts slip away like a ballon that I forgot to hold.

Normal things float farther and farther away, until I can’t remember how they looked or smelled or felt.

Now that I am teaching coping skills to kids for work (and at home) I find myself becoming aware of my own skillzzzzes.

The word “Cope” is defined as: “to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties—usually used with with.” (merriam-webster)

Healthy ways of coping with difficulties could include: exercise, reaching out to family or friends, watching a funny movie, hugging your kids, and —–feel free to share your favorites at the bottom—

Some lesser means of coping: Listening to the same song on repeat over 100 times, staring in the frig for something that looks good, eating tostinos nacho cheese sauce out of the jar with my finger, burning crayons on an open radiator in the back of class (how I got a front row seat for the rest of that year).

Uncertain about level of health: Pretending your life is a book and reading it to yourself. When times are hard, I can almost hear the narrator guiding me through the day.

I think there was more…but Ariel keeps putting stuffed animals in my lap and I think my “serious face” is bothering her 🙂

All I can say for sure is that its good to connect with others. I read this recently,

“Suffering is inevitable, but suffering alone is intolerable.” Susan Johnson

Has anyone else read this book, “How to be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days”? I was thinking of this story a few days ago, and looked it up on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Person-Just-Three-Days/dp/0440413494

Basically, its about a kid that happens upon a self-help book promising to make him perfect in 3 days. I read this when I was a preteen and the message of the story stayed with me in the best possible way.

There are a wide range of philosophies and techniques in the field of human services. Really, more flavors than ice cream and as many different versions as cars on the highway. Its good, because people are as varied…if not more so.

My view is that some things can’t be changed. There isn’t a book or a therapist that will make you perfect in 3 days or 3 years (Yes! I’m looking at you, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” Its NOT all small stuff!!!). No matter how much time or effort you put in, you will always have days where you don’t want to get into or out of your car in the morning. Moments when your kids wonder why you have such large veins in your neck.

Therapy can be more of a shifting of perspective. Like a tree that was twisted up in a storm. After the rain stops falling, the tree can’t be untwisted. It will never be the tree that it would have been. Even if it were possible to go back, how would we stop the storm?

We can revisit the past in our minds. Its something that separates humans from bunnies and cows. But we can’t change what happened moments or years ago. Therapy can’t help you alter the past. Only Sam Beckett can do that, and he would really have liked to get home before that poorly written final episode**

When you look up at the twisted tree, you get to decide if it is ugly or beautiful. Whether you will chop it down and burn the pieces or paint a picture showing the way it still bears fruit.

Therapy, good therapy, can help challenge the way you view the past. As well as helping you become aware of how the past influences your reactions to present situations. Prayers, friends, and books are powerful allies in shaping your viewpoints as well. I think that good therapy works alongside the strengths and supports an individual already utilizes.

Happy Saturday! Be Well 🙂

**Quantum Leap was such a good show. Why that last episode? I demand an answer!**