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Whenever I start to feel VERY stuck, I ask myself this question:

“How would you do it if you could do it?”

This gets me out of a nightmarish merry-go-round of thoughts about how impossible it all is…

Hugs!

Terra

I like this one, probably for the memories of being a teen/young adult. Though I used to think he said, “Hey Happy!” and I definitely sang it that way (thanks family and friends for letting me roll with that and not correcting me…not sarcastically…I preferred my own interpretation of the words!)

Hugs!

Terra

“Clint Eastwood”

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on

Yeah… Ha Ha!
Finally someone let me out of my cage
Now, time for me is nothing cause I’m counting no age
Now I couldn’t be there
Now you shouldn’t be scared
I’m good at repairs
And I’m under each snare
Intangible
Bet you didn’t think so I command you to
Panoramic view
Look I’ll make it all manageable
Pick and choose
Sit and lose
All you different crews
Chicks and dudes
Who you think is really kickin’ tunes?
Picture you gettin’ down in a picture tube
Like you lit the fuse
You think it’s fictional?
Mystical? Maybe.
Spiritual
Hero who appears in you to clear your view when you’re too crazy
Lifeless
To those the definition for what life is
Priceless
To you because I put you on the high shit
You like it?
Gun smokin’ righteous with one toke
You’re psychic among those
Possess you with one go

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future (that’s right) is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on

The essence the basics
Without did you make it
Allow me to make this
Child-like in nature
Rhythm
You have it or you don’t that’s a fallacy
I’m in them
Every sprouting tree
Every child of peace
Every cloud and sea
You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise (that’s right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin’ enterprise
Now I’m sucked into your lies
Through Russel, not his muscles but percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y’all can see me now ’cause you don’t see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That’s the inner
So I’mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so m——-f— remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it’s all in your head

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future is coming on
It’s coming on
It’s coming on
My future

Here is something to hold on to:

“It won’t always be like this.”

At your wedding-It won’t always be like this.

Laying a rose on marble-It won’t always be like this.

During minutes and hours of childbirth-It won’t always be like this.

Listening to children run around the house-It won’t always be like this.

In good times and in bad, a single phrase reminds me to cherish and also to endure.

Here’s something I wrote in my journal that applies well to how I feel right now:

May 5th 2012

You’ll never know how much you can love someone until you become parents together.

I know that’s a bold statement and some young lovers will scoff at it and say, “Bah! I am completely in love right now.”

But they will be wrong. As I was wrong not too long ago.

People become parents in so many ways. It takes a village (its true!) and one day you’ll realize that making a difference in the life of a child is all that matters. Being a parent means raising a child. At least, that is what it means to me. The people responsible for raising a child are many. Its not just a mother and a father who shape the thoughts and character of a little mind. Its a teacher, a sister, a grandparent, a brother, a neighbor. You’ll know your part when it taps you on the knee. You’ll know…and hopefully you’ll step up to the challenge.

But back to my polarizing statement.

The depth of your love for your partner will blind you after you become a parent. It will be like walking out of a library after a snowfall. The brilliant white glare will cause you to squint your eyes for a moment, which will feel like forever…if you are like me and UNCERTAINTY is not your favorite.

You will see the way your partner cuddles your child and your gratefulness will feel like an ache in the back of your throat that travels up to your head and down to your heart.

You will believe in God. Against all that is logical and realistic in your mind, you will come to understand that there is God. And that God is greater than yourself.

That there are monsters and evil going on everyday and there is no way you can be sure of the safety of your children. That you can’t eve protect them from your very own flaws.

You will go to church on Sundays and pray, pray, pray with your eyes closed for a good life for your children. And some people will laugh at you.

Somebody will say, “How easy it must be to believe that there is some Grand Plan in place.” Some will imply that you are a simpleton who can’t face the “truth” that there is no plan. That all of this is happening at random. The there isn’t any meaning to any of it.

And maybe you will carry that implication, a cross upon your back, up a hill to your death.

But I hope that you won’t.

I hope you will let their laughter float above you. You are not a simpleton. Faith is not the easy road. It is the only road.

We all have faith in one form or another. That our efforts matter, that our life brings a meaningful contribution. We all need to be a part of something that is bigger than ourselves.

December 30th 2014 6:24am

The kids are waiting for Christmas…Randy and I are waiting for this baby. Sam and Ariel are aware of the baby, as our house is shaping up to make room for one more. Christmas is clearly more of a priority as it involves cousins and presents 🙂

I reviewed my plan with my doctor. One more round with natural childbirth. Its not something everyone needs to do. It is something I need to do. I can’t explain why..its just that as children grow, I have less and less control over their safety and I know I can do this. Plus, I don’t respond that well to substances…examples abound…trying to swim across a lake while drinking…actually not going to name several examples. Just not great for me to mess with whatever goes on naturally in my brain.

Also, I tried to find a way to donate the cord blood. Minnesota and Wisconsin don’t do this. http://marrow.org/Support-the-Cause/Donate-cord-blood/How-to-donate-cord-blood/Participating-hospitals/ So, many other states…what is the deal?!

Seriously, what a waste…and based on what I read Minnesota is using cord blood donations from other states, but is not collecting here.

I’m going to try calling the U of MN. According to this article from 2013, they were beginning to accept donations http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/health/232290401.html

Anyway. I am really scattered today. Resolutions will have to wait.

Remembering the time in our country when Polio was common, my grandma told me that mother’s used to sent their children with garlic around their necks. She said she didn’t know if the garlic had prevented the illness in any special way, expect that it smelled and kept other children from coming near. Either way, no Polio.

Last year, I did some minimal reading about the health benefits of garlic. So, here is a web reference that could either be true or just somethings that I’d like to believe http://authoritynutrition.com/11-proven-health-benefits-of-garlic/

When I start to get sick, or sometimes before, I chop up garlic and eat it raw. With a head cold, it actually feels good…similar to breathing in a vapor. The strength of it clears up my nose.

Everyone is sleeping. Yes, everyone! Its fantastically quiet now.

This week has been a tough one, with Ariel having a febrile seizure. I have seen seizures  before, but had not remembered that they can be caused by fevers (this happened to a cousin of mine’s child as well). The seizure is caused by a sudden rise or drop in temperature. In Ariel’s case, this was a sudden drop…the tylenol worked too well and we were advised to give her half the normal dose next time. Also, febrile seizure typically occur around 104 in children. Ariel’s temp was 103.5. I will review this with her doc, but in addition to not giving her a full dose of tylenol I think we will watch to make sure her temp does not get above 102 again.

Randy had a fever all week, and Sam has been coughing. I feel like I have a mild head cold.

There isn’t much I can say about this experience, except that there was a moment where I thought, “Oh, this is all I get?”  The way the sun shined in her curls, her laughs and kisses. And the sorrow of that will join the others in a wound that remains.

This is true for many people, I think, we all carry such moments and the difference between peace and misery is nothing more than how we do it.

For me, its about having people I can call who care. Exercise, hugs, writing, good food and shows and songs that bring me a smile.

Now, its time to eat Garlic 🙂

Yes. This is a good song. I am loving it 🙂

“The Best Day” By Atmosphere

Its worth a google of the lyrics. Its true that “everyday can’t be the best day”! And I think that’s knowledge that can add a lot of peace to a person’s life. It goes along with what I’ve been thinking more and more as grad school (slowly!!!) winds to a close.

Happiness is contingent on Gratitude.

A basic understanding that none of this is a given. The food, the air, walking, talking, and loving are all to be cherished.

Its not new information, but it seems to be left under so many rocks…forgotten and waiting to be uncovered again.

One thing I’ve learned about children, the ones I live with and the ones I work with, is that children don’t hang on to events that are past.

They don’t enjoy telling me about their school day, or what they did over the weekend. Its always about what’s happening right now. This can be good or bad. If we just had ice cream, and the kid is like, “How about a sucker?” As an adult, I find it irritating, and a part of me is screaming, “You just had ice cream!” But I’ve found its possible to connect with the idea that we’d all love to eat treats all day if our bodies could handle it. “Wow! A sucker sounds good, but we just had ice cream and a sucker will not be good for your body.” Children are surprising receptive to the truth.

I think that cultivating gratitude is about remembering the ice cream, being glad you had it, and being able to hold the memory in your mind and heart. Rather than grasping for the next treat.

I don’t think its about shame. Making yourself or another person feel bad for wanting more treats, instead gratitude is a shift toward noticing and keeping track of the good things in our lives.

“Everyday can’t be the best day” and we can develop an acceptance of the crappy and an gratefulness for the beautiful.

I was remembering my grandma saying the Rosary.

There was a piece of a prayer that I remembered to be, “Someday we will be left with nothing. Someday we will all turn to dust.”

Now, I think it was actually, “Someday we will be stripped of everything. Someday we will all face death.” Because I found that I had written it in a journal 15 or so years ago. This would have been closer to a time when I would have heard her say it.

Either way, it brings comfort to me. And always has. Its not meant to scare us or bring us down. Rather, its the verbal expression of a humble truth.

We are more than what we own, and in the end only the strength and depth of our love will matter.