Helping

I used to not be able to tell someone else’s feelings from my own. Just whatever someone else was feeling, I was feeling that too.

It is good to have empathy for others and to be able to see their perspective. Taking on other people’s pain though…well, that doesn’t really help anyone.

A little kid was telling me the story of watching one parent saying they would kill the other and proceeding to drag that person into another room. The kid looked up at me and asked, “Are you going to cry?” I said, “No, I hear a lot of sad things.” The kid was visibly relieved.

It is sad, but making that story my own to cry about wouldn’t help. I do cry about all the terrible things that happen and that’s usually in my car or on a walk or run, but right in front of the person telling would be profoundly unhelpful.

I used to block people out. When its all or nothing, for feeling what others are feeling…nothing was an okay option. I used to run a monologue and keep the focus on me so I wouldn’t have to take on what other people were feeling.

But I’ve learned that we have choices about how much comes in and that takes practice…to set emotional boundaries…to say to ourselves…that’s them and this is me. Some people think that boundaries mean they’ll have less friendships. Actually, its the opposite!

The more skilled you become at setting boundaries, you’ll find you can be around many people and have friends and relationships and acquaintances with people who have their own struggles and own emotions and actions. You trust them to handle their own selves, and they surprise you by doing just that. And if they can’t right away, you can return responsibility by asking, “What are your options?”

Even a child has options. Some of those options aren’t amazing, but children grow and gain more freedom. We can help children look toward the future and see one where they don’t allow violence in their homes. We can help children learn to identify and manage their own thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Anyone can be present for someone else. I promise you that the work I do could be done by anyone and someday my job won’t be needed anymore. We will all just show up for each other and no one will turn away from sad stories or reality, because God helps us to be strong enough for those moments.

And some people don’t believe in God. Or maybe they just don’t like that word? It brings up for them stereotypes and negativity that is, at least partially, grounded in the reality of historical trauma. Sometimes, I’ll turn the radio to a station where an angry guy is half yelling about what he knows that God wants. Then, I can get why church has less people attending…if that’s what people expect to find there.

God is with us.

I can’t fully explain how I know and it’s okay if you don’t believe.

With Love,

Terra Rose