People say they will do things when they feel up to it.
This is not how I have found life to be.
All the most meaningful things, with help from God, family/friends, are things that we never feel up for at any point. Thinking back on Grad school, I wouldn’t want to go back and drive in traffic to Minneapolis. I still would not feel like driving an hour to my job after class, trying to teach kids skills and having them try to jump out of my car, and drive again all the way home. The days were hard, the work was hard.
Basically, I trick myself into doing things by not thinking about them.
Sometimes, I get into my car and start driving to work. And I’ll start to cry. It’s a weird choking sound and surprises me.
Another nice thing about getting older is I don’t stay as sad for as long, because I don’t put too much worry into it. I lean all the way in and sob theatrically. When you really go for it, sob-crying can only last 5 or so minutes. Think of yourself like a friend that drank too much, just hold back her hair and say, “That’s it. Get it all out.”
Then, you’re fine again.
There are these beautiful, joyous moments that occur nearly every day! The sun was rising in my rearview mirror today. I took a pause and let it move from my eyes to my heart. I remember this high school friend’s dad asking if I was using drugs, because he saw me riding in a car with my arm out the window. My friend told me later, “My dad thinks you’re a stoner.” and went on to describe the scene of me with my eyes closed just feeling the wind from the road.
I think the sadness must be harder to bear for people who believe that they have to wait until they feel well to live. Or who feel like they have to be happy all the time. A more realistic view might be that every day has sad and happy parts. Even the day after Al died, I remember eating and thinking, “Damn, this is a good sandwich!”
Well, that’s the end of my break.
Love,
Terra Rose
Life Without Montages 