Uncertainty

When something big happens in a family, the stability of life is shaken.

Even though we forget, things are never as stable or certain as they appear. It’s just that routines and consistent days help us to feel safe.

I wish I were less affected by other people’s uncertainty. Sitting with parents who are considering their options makes me to feel sad, worried, confused. Their lives aren’t mine and I don’t get to make choices about what other people do. Deep inside, I have this feeling that life could be easier. That enough natural disasters are occurring to make up enough sorrow and drama then anything we can ever dream up.

Maybe it feels safer? Self created drama comes with a sense of control. Tornados and floods don’t prompt us to churn and consider. Will this tornado complete his school work? How will I, as a parent, convince the tornado to do what I want?!!! When the flood water gets close, I will just stand here and say, “No! You can’t ruin my home. I won’t let you destroy everything I’ve built and love here.”

With each other though, we think we do have control. This is the most false of beliefs. One person cannot control another. And I try hard to see that, day in and day out. But….and there’s always a “but”….I don’t understand what to do about crimes. I thought we had laws for the reason of protecting the rights of human beings young and old. Then, I go down a spiral until I remember that I have buffalo sauce in the frig. And even though I shouldn’t eat my feelings, I at least steer myself toward the cabbage with buffalo hot wing sauce and blue cheese. This tastes like wings! And the way coffee tastes following hot sauce is also fun 🙂

One kid says to me, “Terra, I have to take pills now and I don’t want to.” And I feel so sad. Being distracted and having lots of thoughts and energy shouldn’t be a crime. I want to get in my car and drive that hour, out to that school and say, “Have you tried running with the kid? Here’s a jump rope!”

Sometimes, I feel like I’m on trial. Like I imagine being asked, “Why did you do this?” and “Why didn’t you do that?” and “Couldn’t you have done more?”

It seems like people who have less or no guilt prey on people who try to use guilt to guide our decisions. Here is a resource that has helped me to understand a bit more about people who try to control others: https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/

I put a dry erase board up in my office so I can write quotes and stuff on it. Last week I wrote,

“Build skills not Shame.”

Love,

Terra