Fears

Dear Family and Friends,

A few weeks before Al died, I started to think that I was going to die. I’m not usually one to worry about my health, but I’d heard from a number of people who had either lost family members to cancer or had cancer themselves. That’s the nature of working as a therapist, there are a number of sorrowful things that can happen and now I hear and know that none of us will live a life without pain.

My mistake was looking into the toilet one day. I remember all these billboards about getting a colonoscopy in order to get the polyps and prevent colon cancer. I started googling colon cancer, and just as I’d suspected there were warnings about pencil sized stool. That was pretty much all I needed to lose my fucking mind.

True, I let weeks go by. But I thought about it everyday. Finally, I decided to look at the number on the back of insurance card and find an in-network provider. I got an appointment and showed up. I was recommended a CT scan. Now, this part is important. If ever you are in one part of hospital, and you walk down the hall to get a CT scan…just know that you might be walking right out of your in-network range. Call the number on the back of the insurance card again, and check if the CT is in-network.

Two days before Al died, I got a CT scan. The results were “large amounts of stool.” So, yes, in a very literal way I was full of shit. I remember talking to Al about this over FaceTime. He was kind as ever.

Aside from my google search, I might have considered how my diet had devolved into eating nothing in the morning, and eating a ton of every kind of cheese every night after work. Sigh.

I’ve been good since I started eating breakfast, drinking water at work, bringing and scheduling a lunch at work, and eating a great deal of cabbage.

Happy Friday! Also, February is over today!!!!

Hugs,

Terra