A Bit(ch) about Christmas

Dear Reader,

The roads were sh*t today. Bluey was spinning her wheels this way and that, until I said a prayer and turned around. No class is worth crashing for. 

Being stuck in the car is like running a marathon…your whole life flashes before you. You’ve got nowhere to go and you really shouldn’t be talking on the ole cell phone. Everything you ever said or did is right there, riding with you, a bus load of angry monkeys. 

Hyper vigilant following the ruts of someone else’s tracks just so, while some other you is putting your feet in the creek behind your childhood house, or in a could-be future where you finish the drive and take a hot bath or dance at your son’s wedding.

I thought a bit about Christmas.

 I could sit down and have a cup of coffee with the Grinch. Quietly slip into his lair and wait out the entire holiday starting right after Thanksgiving. “All those whos..,” He’d start out and I’d finish his sentence like he was my brother.

Year after year, my brain gets ahold of an idea..a mythical dream that I will buy the perfect gifts for the people I love. A sort of Christmas mirage that stays just out of reach. “This year,” I think, “things are going to be different.” 

The back of my journal, from when I was 14, was line after line of a resolution. I will get organized. I will get organizedI will get organizedI willgetorganizedIwillgetorganized.

But it doesn’t matter how much you want something to change if you have no strategy. You can be as motivated and determined as an Olympic Athlete, but you need more than that!

“Christmas is this time when everyone gets disappointed. No matter what!” I confide in my green pal. And he’d know just what I mean. Or maybe he wouldn’t… if he was the Grinch from the end of the movie. 

I just.

I just don’t know. I want to have a good Christmas. I want to have a good ChristmasI want

tohaveagoodChristmasIwanttohaveagoodChristmas.

I think that everybody is looking to get so much out of this one evening and morning each year. Its just a lot of pressure. What about the rest of the year?

Let’s send each other a letter or a card here or there. Let each other know that we love one another. Maybe give a gift when you’re just at the store and you see something that’s totally right for someone you care about. 

My ideal Christmas would probably involve lighting a candle and saying nice things about all the people in my life, whom I love and whom I’m thankful to have around. But everyone has different ways of experiencing love and my thing is words. Hearing them, speaking them, reading them, writing them. I like words. 

But plenty of people like gifts. It means something else for them and how they experience love. That’s why I’m going to keep trying with Christmas gifts. I’ll try and try. And maybe someday I’ll get it right. I used to think it was boring to tell people what you want for Christmas and then have them get it for you. Okay! I still don’t get that!!! But if it works for you, let me know, and I will pick something from the list to buy. 

Christmas Blunders Then and Now:

• A couple years ago, I registered my step-dad for bike race in the spring. Then, created a training plan that started after Christmas and built up to the day of the race. This was meant to be seen as loving and I put a lot of heart into it, but the end result was that it was received as me being, “cheap.” Looking back, I can see that it was controlling. Imagine…me… controling. Hard to believe ; )
• This year, I got my mother in-law a beautiful pair of earrings. This would have went great, but for the fact that I was so proud of myself and had to mention going into a quote, “real jewelry store.” Which I honestly have never bought anything in a real jewelry store. This caused my husband to look pale, thinking that they were real diamonds and outside of our budget. I didn’t even realize my mistake until talking to him on the car ride home. Mortifying and sad. 
• When I was 20, and on break from college, I spent over $300 on Christmas. People actually did enjoy their presents. I was able to get my step-dad the welder I knew he wanted. And that was great…until I had no money for food a few weeks later. I think this happens to a lot of people during the holiday shopping frenzy…they just want to have this one good day. And sometimes its worth it. I don’t know.

Now Sam’s crying because Ariel ate part of his lunch. And I can’t even think at all about where I was going with all this. 

Except that I’m sorry.

I have these days where I feel like I’m finally growing and seeing the world in a more rational and balanced way. And then I have days like today. 

So, I’m just going to take a bite out a block of Veleeta and wash it down with a clove of garlic. I’ve been doing some research, and garlic can cure practically anything and keep you from getting sick. The cheese is just for fun and good memories of childhood snacking.

Sincerely,

Terra Rose